Arré Checklist: The Porn Stars We’d Love to See in Bollywood

Pop Culture

Arré Checklist: The Porn Stars We’d Love to See in Bollywood

Illustration: Sushant Ahire

 

W

ith the sheer number of pornographic entertainers taking an early retirement from porn, Bollywood is fast becoming a viable second career for voluptuous vixens. As the latest, Mia Malkova enters the fringes of Bollywood riding our very own crazy horse RGV, we’ve once again come face to face with Bollywood’s pet hobby: Bringing adult entertainers to our shores in an attempt to fill seats with randy movie-goers, most of whom are there solely to see how these actresses look fully clothed without a looming penis in the foreground.

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But why should only Sunny and Mia have all the fun? We’ve got plenty of tharak to go around so let’s focus it on the bevy of babes that make up the adult entertainment industry in the US and Europe. Casting these women should theoretically put an end to our very uncomfortable, conspicuous casting couch conundrum, because once you’ve hasthamaithuned after watching them perform in the buff, you’re kinda done bro, it’s enough. Also, let’s face it, with a solid career in faking orgasms behind them, most of them have more acting skills than all of Bollywood’s untalented progeny that’s been coming to us of late.

So the question really is, who would we like to see on the silver screen rubbing shoulders with our beloved movie stars?

Asa Akira

My personal favourite, and one of the more prominent performers in the adult entertainment industry, Asa Akira. Asa Akira, with her Asian lineage and badass carriage could fit right into a sequel to the Jackie Chan-Sonu Sood opus, Kung Fu Yoga, owing in no small way, to her flexibility and core strength (years of awkward sex positions favouring odd camera angles will do that to you). As is the trend with Ghostbusters and Oceans 8, the sequel could have two leading ladies instead of Jackie and Sonu. Watching Asa pair with the likes of Alia Bhatt is sure to get on-screen temperatures soaring higher than Malana’s finest. Bringing Asa to India also means we can finally start making movies with Asian characters who aren’t typecast unless Akira decides to commit career hara kiri by agreeing to play a momo seller in a Priyadarshan film.

Priya Rai

You cannot think of the words, “porn” and “Indian” without thinking of Priya Rai. Now don’t pretend. You know perfectly well who she is. If sex sells, Priya Rai would get top billing at the great Indian sex sale, guaranteed to have every guy from Guwahati to Goa grabbing his crotch, given our predilection for bhabhis. Priya Rai can totally pull off a Pammi aunty with the same poise with which she answers the door for the pizza boy. She’d slay in roles typically offered to Vidya Balan or Richa Chadha. Imagine, if you can, Priya Rai as Silk Smitha instead of Vidya. Imagine the bunch of poor bastards, heads bowed, watching “blue films” starring Priya on their phones on public transport, until they encounter Priya being felicitated by the Prime Minister for a pathbreaking role in Bollywood.

Mia Khalifa

Mia Khalifa first shot to fame when she sucked off a dude while wearing a hijab, leading to calls for everything from fatwas to encores. News of this spread across the land and now, everybody knows Mia Khalifa. Mia Khalifa could sell a book on women’s rights to a Khap, if she tried. Which is why, she is a bankable Bollywood bet. Just think of the possibilities: Mia endorsing everything from dildos to DTH connections. Somehow, isko laga daala toh life jhinga lala makes more sense coming from Mia Khalifa instead of SRK.

Bollywood definitely could do with a lot more pornstars occupying popular roles, because it could be the first step toward normalising adult entertainers in a country that feels guilty every time it orgasms.

The only downside is our national masturbation problem. Who’s to stop us guys rubbing one out in the middle of the street to Puma Swede starring in Jism 6. Judging by the current scenario, nothing.

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