Checking on Bitoo and Shruti, Seven Years After Band Baaja Baaraat

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Checking on Bitoo and Shruti, Seven Years After Band Baaja Baaraat

Illustration: Akshita Monga

B

ack in 2010, those who invested in Bitcoin had the same amount of blind optimism for their move proving successful as Bitoo and Shruti had for Shaadi Mubarak becoming a success. The two are perhaps the most iconic wedding planners from Bollywood since this Delhi Swagmeister. By the end of Band Baaja Baaraat, the duo left us with all kinds of #CoupleGoalz. But whatever happened to sweet ’ol Bitty Boo and Shruti Kakks after the end credits? We managed to get hold of the couple’s marriage counsellor, who, on the condition of anonymity, agreed to spill the beans on the couple’s life post the end credits of Band Baaja Baaraat.

Trigger Warning: Fans of Band Baaja Baaraat, some of our findings might be hard to digest, much like Bitoo and Shruti’s staple diet of bread pakora and chowmein.

Doc! Thank you for talking to us again. Tell us, how has married life been for Bitoo and Shruti these past seven years?

See, like you must have realised from our past interactions, marriage is hard. And I must admit, it’s taken a lot of “tarqeebein” for Bitoo and Shruti to keep their relationship afloat. After the initial honeymoon phase, they began to realise that they are both too similar and have the same borderline narcissistic personalities. A fact I learned myself when they narrated the story of the first wedding they planned together: The two egomaniacs totally stole that poor bride and groom’s thunder with their Ainveying around on what was supposed to be the couple’s most special day.

Haha. Whatevs. Ainveyi was awesome!

Yes, that it is. But their marital troubles began as soon as Shruti read one of those online conspiracy theories that argued Bitoo and her entire marriage might be a set-up by their former boss, Chanda m’aam, aka older Anusha Dandekar. She began accusing Bitoo of being in love with her since the first time they bonded over “biskoots”. And she had reason to believe this as well when you consider that Bitoo’s proposal involved telling his future wife that “Tere bina ladkiyaan taadne mein koi mazaa nahi hai?” In hindsight, that might be one of the smoothest ways of conveying to someone that you want an open marriage.

What. The. Fuck?

Luckily, Shruti’s hunch was not completely true.

Phew! Wait, what do you mean not completely?

I mean, while there was no conspiracy with Chanda, Bitoo later admitted that he did in fact marry Shruti mainly for other reasons. See, Bitoo and Shruti’s wasn’t a marriage. It was a ruthless start-up acquisition. Theirs isn’t a love story. It’s the story of how one ambitionless boy learnt the ropes of wedding planning under the tutelage of a shrewd, no-nonsense businesswoman, and then went on to infiltrate her company as a partner, eventually seducing her into giving him a lifelong stake in said company through marriage. Don’t let his chocolate boy looks and naivete fool you, Bitoo is a straight-up Janakpuriya G. Once Shru realised this, the couple began to see me.

Damn. Poor Shruti.

Right?! She often confides to me about how her life could have been  different if Chetan wasn’t asked to unceremoniously “kat le” that night. “I could have been one of those cool Dubai trophy wives who did interior design as a hobby, doc!” she complained recently.

Apart from that, Shruti also regularly laments at how she should have never trusted a guy who wears blazer jackets loud enough to put Ganpati processions to shame. Plus, the lawsuit against Bitoo and Shruti in 2014 only made things worse.

They are planning to shut shop and invest in one of those fusion food restaurants that mix desi khana with global cuisine

Wait, what lawsuit?

Yes. A fringe group from Rajasthan, got a hold of security footage which shows Bitoo scaling the venue for Siddhwani’s wedding, the Lalgarh Palace in Bikaner, an important cultural landmark for Rajputs. If that wasn’t bad enough, they also acquired footage of the couple sloppily making out while on their ancestors’ sacred territory! The group was enraged and initially considered cutting Shruti’s nose but realised she had done enough damage there on her own. So they settled for threatening to cut Bitoo’s legs instead.

Wow. But why cut legs?

Because apparently, only directors’ heads are worth cutting. Actor heads are generally useless. Jeez! I don’t know. Can we move on?

Okay. Is Shaadi Mubarak at least still in business?

Not really. In many ways, Shaadi Mubarak was a stellar business model for 2010. Bitoo took care of catering, lighting, and security while Shruti took care of music, choreography, and decoration. Because obviously, back then it was believed that women were better at flower decorations and men at handling labourers. But for the past couple of years, Shaadi Mubarak has struggled to keep up with these woke millennial weddings. These days, no amount of Vaibhavi Merchant’s choreography can make up for 300 drone shots and innovative wedding hashtags. They told me they are planning to shut shop and have invested in one of those fusion food restaurants that mix desi khana with global cuisine. Their signature dish is some kind of abomination which combines chowmein and bread pakora. I wish them luck. *Dry heaves*

Fuck. Is anything going well for anyone from that movie?!

I guess Shruti’s family have been doing well. Her dad went on to have a successful career on Saturday Night Live. Though I’m afraid I can’t say the same for Bitoo’s family of sugarcane farmers.

Uh-oh. And lastly, is there an update on what’s happening with them in 2017?

Well, Bitoo spends most of his time reading up on his GoT fan fiction and won 2nd place with his Khal Drogo cosplay last month. As for Shruti, she’s gotten super into cricket. While their relationship remains profoundly dysfunctional, they both insist there’s nothing Wrogn.

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