Hardik Patel: Love, Sex aur Dhokla

Politics

Hardik Patel: Love, Sex aur Dhokla

Illustration: Shruti Yatam/Arré

L

ast night, there was such a major revelation on the news, that it made us actually switch off Bigg Boss for once. Everyone’s concerned mother came together to release a videotape that busted 24-year-old Hardik Patel alone in a room with a woman. Sources reported that this was not a scene out of a Bollywood movie, but instead involved actual human sex. Moreover, according to most reports, it was consensual.

This is shocking for a couple of reasons: One, it reminds us that the same politicians who take important decisions about Kashmir and linking our neural networks to Aadhar numbers, actually get intimate with members of the opposite sex. Two, someone is having sex while the rest of us are fucking around on Twitter, and that’s just not cool, man. Please note that an upcoming, messy election in Gujarat has nothing to do with this.

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This bit of information changes everything, previously I assumed politicians were born of the unholy marriage between corruption and “tu jaanta hai mera baap kaun hai”. Upon further investigation, it has come to our attention that the birth of Lalu was the byproduct of a samosa meeting an aloo, and that Arun Jaitley was born after a Lotus was arranged to be married to an early prototype of a 2,000 note.

In light of these facts that I just made up right now, it’s safe to assume that politicians don’t have sex and that everyone will vote for the BJP over Hardik Patel in Gujarat. Hear that IT cell people, I just did your job for you. Actually, I did it a little better than you — I didn’t even have to release a video of an unsuspecting woman, who has no stake in this election, in a compromising position with a man.

"Meanwhile, as if the allegations that he procreated without any attempt to increase the Hindu population of the country weren’t bad enough, it turns out that Hardik Patel also had the guts to drink alcohol with his friends"

If there’s one thing to thank the person who released the tape for, it’s to once again remind us that consensual sex makes you a bad leader, who is incapable of coming up with ideas like “put a bullet train over there”. We had almost forgotten about that other Aam Aadmi Party guy who had sex that one time. And that other Congress guy Digvijay Singh who married his younger girlfriend, despite living in a country where people are supposed to marry whoever the hell their parents tell them to marry. Very honestly, if it wasn’t for this unique 1950s slander campaign, I might never have thought of Hardik Patel as a serious contender in the Gujarat elections.

Meanwhile, as if the allegations that he procreated without any attempt to increase the Hindu population of the country weren’t bad enough, it turns out that Hardik Patel also had the guts to drink alcohol with his friends. This is something that no Gujarati ever does, since the state has banned alcohol completely. That is the one reason it now ranks one level above the state of car-o-bar, Haryana, in the list of India’s biggest drinkers. All hail prohibition.

We can’t really blame politicians for capitalising on people’s fun considering Indians are a happy bunch of hypocrites — and Gujaratis are no different. You’ll never see a Gujarati openly admit to their family that they ate an entire tandoori chicken that one time in college. You also won’t find the people of Gujarat ever admitting they have had sex, despite their mating rituals involving a nine-day party with Falguni Pathak leading the way.

So quite naturally, as one Twitter user put it, Hardik Patel has been exposed for the “debauched cockroach” he is. To win an election in Gujarat, it’s best he just stick to the basics: Eat a dhokla, drink chaas, and incite a couple of religious communities to fight each other over the contents of their lunch. Then we’ll have a real election.

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