The Seven Golden Minutes That Will Save You From Drunk Texting

Humour

The Seven Golden Minutes That Will Save You From Drunk Texting

Illustration: Akshita Monga

T

ed Mosby once said, “Nothing good happens after 2 am.” And anyone who has ever drunk texted at ungodly hours will know, Ted Mosby was right.

About six years ago, during an early Delhi winter vibe, I was drinking with a friend and his younger brother on their bathroom floor. It was nearing 2 am, and as this sacred ritual goes, the conversation soon turned to romance. The younger brother had only just hit puberty and was “discovering himself”; I was, what I believed at the time, falling in love with a girl; and my friend had just had a fight with his girlfriend.

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A stream of emotional chaos was snaking around that ceramic bathroom floor, slowly building up to a river. Suddenly, Kanye’s “Amazing” came on the playlist, and my friend said, “Fuck it”, pulled out his phone, and texted his girlfriend that the fight was her fault. Taking a cue from the elder one, the brother — the feely one — typed out the lyrics of the recently released “Bin Tere” from I Hate Love Storys to a girl in class. Not one to be left behind, I joined in and told the lady about my feelings. We hi-fived, increased the volume on the laptop, and even smoked a cigarette before going to bed.

It was glorious. Except it wasn’t.

All the drunk texting unleashed chaos in all our lives and when I look back at the three of us on that bathroom floor, all I want is for God to take our phones away.

“Ye saat minute tumhari zindagi ke sabse khaas saat minute hain… yeh saat minute khuda bhi tumse waapas nahin maang sakta.”

But God needn’t intervene now. WhatsApp has just introduced a new feature called, “Delete For Everyone”, which allows users to erase sent messages within a window of seven minutes. A feature set to alter conversation that takes the impulse message, the very bedrock of modern textual fuck-ups, out of the equation. To paraphrase Shah Rukh Khan, “Ye saat minute tumhari zindagi ke sabse khaas saat minute hain… yeh saat minute khuda bhi tumse waapas nahin maang sakta.”

SRK was right. Being able to delete something that you have already sent is no less than a khuda-like superpower. Even our tongue is not capable of such heroics.

The “Delete For Everyone” feature is a gift for everyone who accidentally ended up sending a dick pic on the family WhatsApp group that was followed by weeks of silence and awkward stares at family functions. Now, all you have to do is use the quick reflexes that you’ve developed minimising porn tabs when someone walks in on you, to delete messages instantly after you send them.

Or the “FUCK YOU” that you ended up sending the boss in a moment of rage that you quickly begin to re-evaluate once you realise that having a job and money is more important than picking up a petty fight.

Chatting on WhatsApp is now better than even talking in real life. Every single nightmare of real interaction has been taken care of by its online counterpart. You don’t have to always respond back immediately, you can take your own sweet time. You can hide your online existence so no one finds out if you’ve read what was said. And if you ever goof up and send something by mistake, well, you have seven luxurious minutes to take it back.

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