Arré Checklist: How to Lose Friends and Influence People by Uber CEO

Humour

Arré Checklist: How to Lose Friends and Influence People by Uber CEO

Illustration: Shruti Yatam

H

ey losers. I’m Travis Kalanick, the most Uber-successful Silicon Valley CEO since Mark What’s-His-Name. I’m a newly minted billionaire, bitch. For a change, I’ve decided to give back to society by helping you out with your pathetic “lives” and giving you my best tips for success. Why should Marky Mark get all the credit?

Stay relevant, ponyboy

In a working relationship, you can keep things exciting by sexually harassing your employees. But what about the world’s greatest tech startup of all time? Maintaining a buzz around any company for nine years is no mean feat. When Uber first exploded into the public consciousness back in 2009, everyone from the Wall Street Journal to Esquire was in love with us. They couldn’t get enough of the Travman!

Then a bunch of haters, who shall not be named, started biting our style. I realised we have to #disrupt our own image. That’s why I carefully orchestrated a series of bombshell scandals to keep us in the news. Sure, I ended up losing my position as CEO, which brings me to my next tip…

Cash rules everything around me

To quote a childhood idol of mine, Bill Clinton, it’s arithmetic. Investors have all the money you want in your company and in your wallet. These are the guys who will make you a billionaire. They’re basically God and they need you to sacrifice for them. It could be your youth, your beauty sleep, or your human decency if that’s a thing you have. I sacrificed my job for the good of my investors.

“But TravTrav,” you’re thinking, “you pissed off all your investors.” This is true. I pissed off Google and Arianna Huffington and literally everyone else. But here’s the thing: You don’t need Gods when you become a God.

Haters gonna hate

In the words of my perpetual #mcm Martin Shkreli, “I’m the most successful Albanian to ever walk the face of this Earth.” Wu-Tang for life! As usual, Martin has summed up the essence of excellence. I may not be Albanian, but I know what it’s like to be almost too successful. I’ve been worth a billion dollars ever since I can remember. But as any Silicon Valley insider will tell you, there’s a big difference between valuation and wealth. When you achieve the astronomical level of fame, money, and power that I have, people are gonna try and bring you down. You’ve got to ignore them and move on. Beat up the occasional sod, but still, move on. Remember, you have more money than they do and that means they don’t matter.

Success can sometimes look a lot like failure. Only one thing never lies, and that’s a billion dollars in the bank. Eat it, John Zimmer.

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