The Great American Smackdown: Part 2

Humour

The Great American Smackdown: Part 2

Illustration: Namaah/ Arré

D

onald John Trump is the maverick of the US presidential race, who has somehow made it to first place in the Republican primaries. He’s the only candidate who understands the true significance of the American presidency: That it is the final prize in the ultimate reality show competition where the winner gets to have his own mansion and free private jet for four years (not to mention bragging rights).

A careful analysis of Trump’s foreign policy reveals that Marco Rubio is short in stature and consumes too much water during public appearances. Much of Trump’s thesis on Social Security and Medicare is dedicated to how Ted Cruz is a chronic fabricator of untruths, besides being husband to a rather homely lady. This complete lack of policies in Trump’s platform makes it impossible for his opponents to refute him. It is a truly masterful campaign manoeuver.

Trump has had to face considerable criticism regarding his views on immigration, which basically involve preventing as many people from entering the United States as possible. In his defence, though, he is open to rich Middle-Eastern buddies coming in for a visit since it would be impolite to keep them out along with the rest of the peasantry.

It is hard to know how Trump feels about Indians. On the one hand, we are not Mexicans, so that places us a bit higher in his esteem. On the other hand, we are also stealing high-paying jobs from Americans completely unqualified to perform them. This makes us pariahs.

If Trump is the bawdy cousin at a family reunion who gets drunk and does Nazi salutes, Ted Cruz is the soft-spoken uncle who walks you to the flower garden, plucks a rose, makes you sniff it and tells you it’s one of Jesus’ creations.

Nobody can predict how far Trump will make it through this election before he either gets bored or finds some other, less globally perilous way of massaging his own ego. But one thing is clear, due to his pioneering efforts, the Republican Party has transformed from a bunch of people pretending not to be racist and sexist into a bunch of racists and sexists, taking pride in their racism and sexism.

Rafael Edward Cruz

Rafael Edward “Ted” Cruz is the junior United States senator from Texas. Cruz currently occupies the second place in the Republican primary in terms of delegate count. If Trump is the bawdy cousin at a family reunion who gets drunk and does Nazi salutes, Ted Cruz is the soft-spoken uncle who walks you to the flower garden, plucks a rose, makes you sniff it and tells you it’s one of Jesus’ creations.

God and religion are a big part of Cruz’s campaign. According to his dad, Cruz was inspired to run for president after God appeared to his wife and instructed her to send him off on the campaign trail so she could have more time to herself.

During his rallies Cruz has been touting himself as a true conservative. He wants to massively shrink the government, and then combine whatever is left with the Church, thus allowing Americans to freely discriminate against homosexuals, prevent women from having abortions and do other weird stuff in the Bible that no one else believes in anymore. After the Brussels attacks, Ted Cruz had a novel plan to prevent similar attacks in the US: patrol Muslim (*cough* brown) neighbourhoods to make sure they don’t sneak around doing “terroristy” stuff, such as being Muslim (*cough* brown).

Indians used to love Cruz because he was a big proponent of legal immigration and the H1B programme. Sadly, he has had a change of heart since then, and now wants to abolish the visa and replace H1B workers with Christian homeschooled software engineers, who will presumably programme computers in Aramaic.

John Richard Kasich

John Kasich is the dark horse in the Republican presidential primaries. He currently serves as the governor of Ohio, a Midwestern state, where you become governor by winning a staring contest. Outside Ohio, Kasich is relatively unknown. Most people, when asked if they know who John Kasich is, respond by saying, “You mean the guy from The Office?”

In the Republican debates, Kasich was the gentleman standing next to Ben Carson and the person entrusted with the task of waking Carson up. Kasich’s campaign prides itself on decency and lack of vitriol. His signature move has been to place himself above all the personal attacks and name-calling. In fact, the sigil of House Kasich is a parakeet perched on a branch watching a mongoose fighting a cobra.

Despite this harmonious approach – ill-suited to attract voters of the Republican persuasion – Kasich has shown remarkable resilience in clinging to a distant third place in the primaries. However, with very few delegates left to be acquired, one imagines that Kasich’s end game is to stroll into the Republican convention strapped to a bunch of explosives and threaten to blow it up unless everybody pledges their fealty to him.

Other than an admirable disinclination to get riled up, Kasich’s political views are quite nebulous. It is quite possible that Kasich has a little notebook where he keeps track of all his policies. However, none of us want to know what they are because they’re probably terrible and we want to continue to think of him as a nice guy.

Republican primary voters face a tough choice between Trump, Cruz, and Kasich. Trump validates their racist and sexist convictions. Cruz satiates their religious and libertarian bloodlust. Kasich makes them miss their dad. At the Republican convention in July, the rest of us will have a clearer picture of which human urge they choose to go along with.

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