The Great American Smackdown: Part 1

Humour

The Great American Smackdown: Part 1

Illustration: Namaah/ Arré

B

ernard Sanders, or Bernie, as he is affectionately known among people he yells at, is the junior United States senator from the state of Vermont. Which means the senior senator from Vermont is either on life support or dead.

To really know Bernie Sanders, you have to know Vermont. Vermont is a picturesque, idyllic state in New England where the cows outnumber the people and where, if you find yourself dissatisfied with the lush, green valley you are in, simply drive on for five more minutes and you’ll find a lusher, greener valley that might be more to your liking.

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It is a testament to Bernie’s supreme passion for his mission that he can be from peaceful, bucolic Vermont, and still manage to get furiously agitated while speaking on the campaign trail.

Bernie Sanders calls himself a democratic socialist. Some people disagree, saying he’s actually a social democrat. Others describe him as a grumpy old white man. Bernie’s left-liberal agenda includes supporting LGBT rights, women’s rights, the environment, marijuana legalisation and consumption, while lying askew on a dewy meadow bathed in the glow of a billion howling stars. It’s all on his website.

The core principle of Bernie Sander’s platform is that corporations are evil; the bigger they are, the more evil. Bernie wants Wall Street to be a good citizen for once and pay for our kids’ college tuition. What this means for Indians in America is that we no longer have to lie awake at night worried that our idiot kid won’t make it into college, unlike Aunt Shyamala’s son who attended Harvard, despite being a stupid little shit of a kid.

Bernie is currently lagging behind Hillary Clinton in terms of delegate count. However, he’s had some recent success in western states where he is still an attractive young man due to the time zone difference.

A Bernie presidency, however, is bad news for India. Bernie Sanders has been extremely vocal against outsourcing. In fact all this free college education talk seems to be part of a larger planto move high-paying tech jobs back to America, once the kids here have learnt how to add two numbers without requesting assistance from Siri, of course.

Bernie Sanders supports H1B visa reform, which includes raising prevailing wages and reducing fraud. This means the desi consulting companies in New Jersey will no longer be able to treat their H1B employees like indentured slaves, and their employees will finally be able to afford that highly coveted 2010 Honda Civic EX instead of the base model LX.

Bernie is currently lagging behind Hillary Clinton in terms of delegate count. However, he’s had some recent success in western states where he is still an attractive young man due to the time zone difference.

Hillary Rodham Clinton

Some of us remember Hillary Clinton as the first lady and policy advisor of President Bill Clinton from 1993 to 2000. Others know her as the New York senator from 2001 to 2009. Still others recognise her as President Obama’s secretary of state from 2009 to 2013. But most of us know her as Chelsea Clinton’s mother.

Hillary is the Democratic centrist candidate. Her position is that antagonising Wall Street is a fruitless endeavour, since the big banks are our financial overlords and could destroy us in a New York minute by either failing or moving to a less polluted planet. Now go massage Wall Street’s feet until she sighs herself to sleep.

Hillary’s foreign policy resume is a Halloween mixed bag of candy and apples. Although she normalised relations with Cuba, she was also instrumental in the military intervention in Libya, following which, that country turned into a steaming latrine of jihad mongering. She had a hand in the killing of Osama Bin Laden, but she also flew to Benghazi and personally murdered four American citizens in a terrorist attack.

Hillary is extremely pro-business and consequently, pro-outsourcing. She has already declared that when she is elected president she will be moving the White House to Pune because the rent in Washington DC makes it hard to survive on a president’s salary, and Bangalore traffic sucks. She is also in favour of increasing the H1B visa cap, which will lead to fewer devotees circumambulating the Visa Balaji temple in Hyderabad.

If Hillary wins the 2016 election she will be the first woman president of the US, following Obama as the first black president of the US. This paves the way for Beyoncé to be the first female and black president of the US, 2024.

Both Bernie and Hillary share a liberal, progressive vision of America. What Democratic primary voters need to decide is if they want Bernie to rip the tablecloth from underneath the status quo to bring it crashing down onto the floor, or for Hillary to gently stow it back into the closet so your wife doesn’t get mad at the mess.

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