The Darkest Timeline: Five First Facebook Dates

Humour

The Darkest Timeline: Five First Facebook Dates

Illustration: Akshita Monga

 

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fter personally watching every Facebook user through their webcams, the social media giant’s CEO, Mark Zuckerberg, has decided that the one thing his users need most is an app that will make creeping on profiles 100 per cent easier. For this reason, a Facebook dating app was introduced yesterday, one that promises to be an even more perverse intrusion of privacy (he knows your girlfriend is imaginary, Suraj, he knows everything), and another solid reason for Mr Zuckerberg to retain the poke button.

Not too many details about the app’s interface have been revealed, but if Facebook or Instagram is anything to go by, finding a date will be as easy as clicking on a “confirm girlfriend/boyfriend” button, following said person around at a public event, and voila, you’re married with three kids.

Toward the end of its life, Tinder became the home of sapiosexuals and men posing near cars. It’s interesting to see what sort the Facebook dating app will be home to. Conspiracy theorists? Angry right-wingers? Fake-news followers? Most importantly, how many “Photographer at Photographer” and “CEO at dAdz bussiness lolz”? Here’s how prospective dates might unfold.

Situation 1: Meet the Grandparents

Facebook suggests you date a middle-aged man photographed beside a tiger mating a giraffe. You are visibly excited by the prospect of meeting an animal enthusiast, so keeping with the theme, you set up a date at a zoo.

Unfortunately the man who shows up is 30 years older than he was in his photo, travels only by wheelchair, and is today senile enough to enter a tiger cage by accident. So you are disappointed, and a little concerned for his health. Still, you try and be polite:

You: Hi, it’s nice to meet you.

Them: GRANDCHILDREN photos.

You: Sure, I guess. So what do you do for a living?

Them: GRANDCHILD Tinny’s PHOTOS, TO LIKE…

…Well clearly your date has confused the Facebook dating app with Facebook’s search bar. What a tragic situation. Your best bet is to leave this place with a polite excuse, before you are made to physically go through grandfather’s personal photo album and buy him a plate of pureed upma.

Situation 2: “Im seen ur vagene”

Your quest to find the dankest Communist meme has been momentarily stalled by a new request from an “Intern” at “Not Yet Working”. Impressed by the fact that this person has managed to swing an internship at a big firm while you spent your weekend eating chips and scrolling endlessly through a nonsense app, you strike up a conversation.

You: I love people with jobs. It shows such dedication toward… having jobs!

Them: Lul. Mm I already know you very well.

You: Wow. What do you like best about me?

Them: Bobs?

You: You think I should cut my hair? That’s nice.

Them: Shit. jst Send newds

You: “Nine out of ten people globally breathe toxic air, according to the World Health Organisation”

…Oops, you might have misunderstood your suitor. What the intern was actually trying to do is convince you to send him pictures of your bare body. You could ask him to fuck off, but that’ll probably just encourage him further and assist him in jerking off. Your best bet is to reconsider the decision that brought you looking for a potential partner on the same social media your mother uses to follow her Godman.

Situation 3: What about *generic news item*?

It makes sense to assume that a few very serious Facebook commenters will slide into the dating app, hoping to cement their argument about *generic issue* on some unsuspecting soul looking to grab a beer. Getting into an argument is definitely something that should be avoided. But in case you can’t resist:

You: Hey, I really like your harsh opinions on the Kashmir conflict. So 1955.

Them: Oh yeah, what about Kanyakumari then?

You: Them too. What brings you to the Facebook dating app?

Them: How come no one asks people on Tinder these questions?

You: I’m sure they do…

Them: Lol. You have obviously not heard about the dating app census of 2017. Let me enlighten you…

Here’s a free life hack. Avoid disagreeing – it’ll just last longer.

Situation 4: Surprise Guest

Every now and then you probably catch yourself thinking, “Hey, I should have a threesome”. Facebook agrees with you – the more, the merrier is every social media company’s tagline. So often while you are using the app, you will be shocked by the arrival of an unannounced third member.

You: And that’s how I ended up actually taking a selfie with the wrong Nelson Mandela! Haha, I’m so foolish.

Them: What a sweet story! I’m sure Kushal will love it anyway!

Mark Zuckerberg: Hey guys…

You: Wtf?

Them: Umm?

Mark Zuckerberg: Heard you talking about selfies. Care to post some on your new and improved wall?

You: Dude, not cool

Them: Hey Zuck, how do you access this wall again?

Well, well. Looks like you’ve been visited by none other than CEO Mark Zuckerberg himself. Legend has it he spends days around the app, waiting for someone to say selfie or photograph, so he can remind them to update their walls. Beats spending all day scrolling through the app, I say.

Situation 5: Branded Contact

Facebook suggests you go on a date with a person who has a coffee mug for a profile photograph. Makes perfect sense, since you ordered that Blue Tokai on Zomato earlier, and Facebook always assumes its users can only have two interests at a time. Anyway you accept because you believe only sane and attractive people drink such expensive coffee.

To your surprise, you have now been set up on a date with an entire organisation! It’s part of the company’s new “Date a customer” promotional campaign to convince people to give up drinking water for their coffee.

You: Hi, didn’t catch all of your names.

Them: Meenakshi… Randhir… James… Gauri….

You: Nice to meet you all. This is not what I was expecting.

Them: (all together) Sir, it is company policy for us to make sure you as comfortable as possible. Can we get you some coffee?

You: Sure sounds good. Can you make it a tea though?

Them: (discussing) Sir, it is company policy for us to make sure you as comfortable as possible. Can we get you some coffee?

You: Ya.

Well there you have it. How many people can say they’ve dated an entire company? Surely you must be the first.

A note to remind you at this point is that none of this would have been possible without Mr Zuckerberg. Remember to thank him on your wedding day.

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