The Douchebro who Became CEO

Humour

The Douchebro who Became CEO

Illustration: Juergen Dsouza

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early assembled, I can’t see you too well because I’ve got my cool shades on in this dark room, but I’m going to assume you’re all ugly anyway. To be honest I’m only here today because my sexy employee was too busy crying in the bathroom over some “harassment thing” to book Harvard Business School. I would further elaborate on how attractive my employee is, but none of you could score a girl like her, so that would just be teasing.

Anyway, I quit these smelly rooms and their shitty porn when I was 21 years old. I wanted to make the world a better place, with more attractive women, fewer blogposts, and a better car for myself, so I dropped out  to find answers to two of the world’s most pressing problems: How come chubby girls have so much self-confidence these days? And, how can we make humans look more like cats?

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I never liked hanging around with chubby girls much so I had to give up on the first idea, but the feline thing really got me thinking. The world could actually be a better place if humans were as cool as cats. With CatKart we’ve tapped into a market nobody would ever suspect was required. And guess what, in one short month we have taken control of the entire cat disguise industry. It’s pawsome *laughs* how far we’ve come in such a short period. I would especially like to thank my friend Sunny, who provided the bedbug-infested sofa that we used to create the cat mask prototype.

CatKart had its humble origins out of a three BHK in Upper Worli where Sunny and I sat together after a game of beer pong, and handcrafted the first mask. Soon angel investors, those poor wrinkly schmucks, came to me, begging me to take their money. I chose the least annoying one and got myself an office in Bengaluru. There I built something these old businessman don’t understand – culture. I also got rid of Sunny; he was holding back my awesomeness by wanting to “stop drinking and be responsible now”. If he thinks he deserves a stake in my company, I’ll see him in court. I’m 23 years old now, I know the law like the back of my hand.

You want real success? Hire the non-IITians to work for you. They are easy to underpay if you let them wear shorts and give them a PlayStation.

Mainly, my point is that “a culture” is very important thing to cultivate. It is best built when you have more beanbags than women and more vegans than workstations. I painted the walls of my office red, because, as you will learn, the colour palette and environment of the workplace has to resemble a playschool more than an office. This helps the creativity refract through the inner walls of your mind. I know this because I did a psychedelic drug once *winks*. That experience gave me the vision to expand CatKart even further.

So I revisited my original idea and launched my first vertical to the public, called FatKart. It is now poised to be the one-stop solution to all fat people-related things or whatever, I don’t really care. Unless they have hot friends… but, I digress. It’s pretty hard to pay attention to one thing at a time.

Anyway, back to my millennial’s guide to starting a company… at least I think that’s what I was talking about. So, the Human Resource department is a complete waste of time. They’re always running behind you about someone named Vishaka who wrote some guidelines to something. You want real success? Hire the non-IITians to work for you. They are easy to underpay if you let them wear shorts and give them a PlayStation. Chutiye kahin ke.

Anyway, I hired a couple of IIM grads to police those idiots and the whole company worked like clockwork, leaving me with time to play foosball in our gameroom with the hot interns. I would break the game only to give interviews to chick magazines from inside a blanket like Rahul Yadav. (Btw, I got major respect for that bro!)

Soon, TV channels wanted me on debates, and colleges wanted me to deliver speeches. I made boosting my online profile my day job and channelling my inner frat-boy-bro for legendary house parties my night job. Naturally, I had different looks for day and night and let me just tell you… both did not involve wearing T-shirts.

On our one-year anniversary, we held a party in Goa where I went on stage wearing a tight Versace tee, and told the crowd that the secret to building a legendary company from a crackpot, hare-brained idea is to give zero fucks. About morals. About values. And about systems. Basically zero fucks for everything except making money and making it fast. Jealous types hated me like they hated the PayTM guy, but to them I say… they see me rollin’, they go trollin’.

And for that piece of wisdom, you’re welcome. For more advice just buy any one of the two novels that I wrote in a stroke of brilliance over the last week. The first one, called “Cataract” talks about how blind I was before I started CatKart. The second – and more refined of the two – is called “Catacomb” and details my slow descent into a mid-life crisis as I approach the age of 24. My next book, “Claws Out”, will be the seminal novel on the inner workings of the feline retail industry. I know you can’t wait for that.

Once you read all three books, you can attend one of my weekly (paid) lectures on the art of making money off nothing. And that, kids, is how you really make a fortune.

Peace out!

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