Arré Checklist: The Extremist’s Guide to Quitting Smoking

Humour

Arré Checklist: The Extremist’s Guide to Quitting Smoking

Illustration: Akshita Monga/Arré

 

T

here are only so many times you can cough up multi-coloured liquid before you realise that the rolled-up stick 1of joy you are holding between your lips is probably bad for your health. Unfortunately quitting smoking is a sustained process during which you are likely to meet your first nemesis, or get into a slap-off on the street. What you are very unlikely to do during this period, however, is hug a loved one or consider things like perspective to be important.

Being the understanding system that it is, late-stage capitalism has offered a number of ways to help smokers keep their habit in check, from promoting nicotine gum and patches to dealing with rising prices by replacing tobacco with chunks of wood. To anyone who has tried to kick the butt using any of these processes, I offer my condolences. Clearly, none of it has worked because it will forever be easier to complain about how hard it is to quit smoking than actually quit it. Plus the thought of looking like a dragon for five minutes is too irresistible.

However, in the case that you are looking for a way to escape the tobacco lobby, or are a general fan of breathing, you might find this guide handy. The alternative therapies suggested here might be extreme, but have a 100 per cent success rate among participants aged 12-100, even though they are banned in almost all nations across the world. So what are you waiting for, let’s take a look!

Have yourself a nice beheading

Can’t smoke if you don’t have a head, can you? This is best alternative route to quit smoking. The guillotine might have gone out of vogue years ago, but it’s set to make a huge come back in the anti-smoking lobby. What’s more, almost all participants were recorded as being “speechless” after attending just one session of this new beheading scheme.  

Face Off

More than just a terrible movie starring John Travolta and Nicholas Cage, Face Off has now evolved into one of the most successful ways of quitting smoking. Scientists found – after a particularly long Face Off-watching session – that the process had several practical applications for people looking to quit smoking. They found that the oral fixation had more than halved once your face was swapped with a non-smoker’s. Some side-effects do include being kicked out of your house for being an intruder. But the sweet oxygen flowing through your veins is a great upside.  

Pick a fight with the ISIS

Scientists have voted this as the number one way to simultaneously pull off tip number one from earlier, as well as give yourself a catchy nickname along the lines of Jihadi John (try Smoking Sandeep for size). Picking a fight with ISIS might not be the easiest thing you’ve done all week, but nothing worthwhile in life is easy. It is guaranteed to reduce the amount of free time you have to spend chain-smoking Gudang Garam. Plus, it increases the likelihood that you will be killed before you have to quit.

Make a movie about fictional people

This one is more regionally specific to India than the others. Scientists have found that making a movie about a fictional person, who most people believe to be real, could directly have an impact on the number of days you live. It is also likely to grant you enough death wishes to make you reconsider adding smoking to the list. Also smoking seems like a really inconsequential habit to maintain when you are constantly running from a mob.

It’s needless to say that the mortality rate from any of these procedures is still actually lower than dying of smoking-related illnesses. But scientists on this project, being the nihilistic millennials that they are, eventually conceded that we are all going to die somehow anyway, so there was no point to anything.

Comments