The Royal Name Game: What Will and Kate Can Christen Baby No 3

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The Royal Name Game: What Will and Kate Can Christen Baby No 3

Illustration: Shruti Yatam

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he Duke and Duchess of Cambridge on Monday welcomed their third child, a wee little lad, into this world. As is customary with the last trimester of pregnancy, the royal family’s WhatsApp group was abuzz with everyone weighing in with baby names. After all, it’s a prince were talking about, not some common charlie.

When English playwright and one-time content creator for the royal family, William Shakespeare, asked, “What’s in a name?” the question was not directed at the royals. Even though a prince by any other name would court controversy just the same: Just ask Uncle Harry, whose name is as royal as a pint of stale beer.

Amid all the celebrations and Twitter jokes on St George’s Day, we wonder what Royal Baby No 3 will be called. We have some suggestions.   

The punters have already presented their odds with Arthur being the top choice at 2/1. Arthur, the legendary king, who united Britain and fought the Saxons. Arthur, the man who pulled that sword from that stone. But it’s 2018, not the Dark Ages. Should the newborn be named Arthur, the only quests he’s likely to undertake are to Las Vegas à la Uncle Harry. But the Royals must remember what happens in Vegas does not stay in Vegas. Trust The Sun to get in on an exposé and publish an exclusive with the headline, “Arthur grabs the Excalibur” or some such.  

He could grow up to be a caped crusader in a costume, engaged in a battle of good vs evil, fighting terror on the streets, until the acid wears off and he’s chasing turbaned men in a Lamborghini wearing the Queen’s favourite drapes and crown jewels.

A close second is Albert, at 3/1, which is about as interesting as the British staples of pie, mash, and jellied eels. Young Albert might go on to lead a fairly “normal” life by royal standards. Which means being driven around to various charity galas and photo ops, rubbing shoulders with the rich and famous, hunting foxes with aplomb, and later indulging in some promiscuity with a nameless blonde. At 8/1, Alexander is a slightly offbeat name, with a lot of weight. Alexander literally means defender of men. With a name like that, the prince better be ready to up and protect every British national that needs protecting. He could be a modern-day superhero, with unlimited resources at his disposal, like Prince T’Challa aka the Black Panther. But again, with the way things have been going with his family, little Alex would probably be more proud to be called the Pint Panther, protector of the realm, purveyor of the finest ale, and champion of the chug.

The last contender in this race is the name, Wayne. With odds of 500/1, we’d see the Kohinoor returned before we see a Prince named Wayne. Should by some sheer stroke of luck or lunacy, Prince William decide to turn his Batman fantasies into reality, we’re sure Queen Liz might have a coronary. Prince Wayne, might actually have a royal butler named Alfred, the charm of George Clooney, the charisma of Christian Bale, and the swag of all the Batmen before him. He could grow up to be a caped crusader in a costume, engaged in a battle of good vs evil, fighting terror on the streets, until the acid wears off and he’s chasing turbaned men in a Lamborghini wearing the Queen’s favourite drapes and crown jewels. So long as he doesn’t turn out to be a Ben Affleck.

One could argue, that since the British spent countless years running our country to the ground, they owe us one. Punjab is doing its bit to return the favour, but giving the kid a Punjabi name is sure to smooth things over: Say, a name like Manjeet. Shortened to Manj or MJ will finally enlighten people to the difference between Sikhs and other turban-wearing cultures, hopefully ensuring an end to hate crimes and a rise – if one were possible – in the consumption of chicken tikka masala.

But if Will and Kate decide to shun tradition altogether, maybe the yet-to-be named kid could join the coterie of Kardashian kids from across the pond, named after their parents played a game of Person, Place, Animal, Thing, Weather. How else do you explain Mason, Chicago, North, Stormi, True, and Dream? Taking a page from their book, here’s a couple of name suggestions for the royal bundle of joy: Kebob, Rainy, Bonafide, Pub, Innit, or Tea. All of which are sure to make their subjects wonder whether they’re on the right side of Brexit.

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