The Real Travel Advisory for White Tourists to India

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The Real Travel Advisory for White Tourists to India

Illustration: Shruti Yatam/Arré

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ello, white person, welcome to a land where you will be worshipped like one of our crores of deities. Enjoy the soothing sounds of auto-wallahs trying to cheat you while you look for an elephant to ride in the middle of a city. Buy an agarbatti at one of our special “Indian-themed” boutiques that we promise you will ward off evil spirits. Before you embark on your spiritual adventure à la Coldplay feat Beyoncé, run your keen eyes through this travel advisory. Its contents are more important than ever in this current climate.

You are actually high-tech sports equipment

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You might have heard hockey isn’t our national sport. Indians swear by a game called “Harass the white person”. We are one of the few countries that play this sport and we’re actually really good. To play cricket, you need a bat and a ball. To play “harass the white person”, all you need is access to a well-known monument, like India Gate.

Playing it is easy – first the participant stares at the white person, without blinking, for up to 12 minutes. Then they confidently approach the white person for a selfie or marriage proposal (100 points if you walk away with a picture, a million if you leave with a bride). The final step, and this one’s a toughie, involves convincing the white person into taking the next flight back to the first world.

We are good at gathering in groups

Indian guys may not be very good at hitting on women, but they sure as hell are good at rallying troops through obscenely loud phone calls. If you happen to see a couple of Pulsar bikes approaching you, we must warn you that they could be ferrying up to 20 men. If you see any flags being waved, you’d be best advised to look around for a movie star to aid you out of this situation. You will need to leave soon – once the bikers have gathered, there’s no knowing how many collars will be popped or how much indelicate slang will be used. Your best bet is to hope that they’re secretly a dance troupe.

Not all of India is worth visiting

India is a seriously big country that very few Indians have travelled through in its entirety. The honest truth is a few places are better to avoid. Take the Taj Mahal, for instance. There’s nothing you can see in Agra that you can’t see on Google Images. Plus, you get to keep your chappals, and use the money you save to take a bus ride to Kashmir, where you can hang with other white people.

Anytime you feel the need to visit the holy Ganga, do yourself a favour and fill up a tub with soapy water, ash a couple of cigarettes in it, and garnish your concoction with an empty coconut shell from a couple of weeks ago. Congratulations, you have your own private holy river, without risking catching flesh-eating bacteria, or getting beaten up by a “group” (refer to earlier point).

If you aren’t a fan of being cheated or ogled at, it’s best to avoid states like Uttar Pradesh, Haryana, Bihar, Karnataka, and pretty much the rest of India. In case you think this circular is a wee bit racist, we are sorry to inform you that we really don’t care. You’re probably from a country that oppressed our people for hundreds of years and then decided to invent beer yoga. So it’s probably for the best that you just deal with our casual racism. It’s how we deal with our own people too.

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