Person of the Week: Melania Trump

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Person of the Week: Melania Trump

Illustration: Mandar Mhaskar

I

n a week where The Donald was sworn in as the President of the Divided States, feminists over the world mobilised and took to the streets to protest against the misogynistic ramifications of the American voter’s collective nervous breakdown, and India celebrated 68 years of copy-pasting Britain’s constitution, the internet displayed its rabid ADHD by focusing on how Melania Trump looked bummed out. Hours after the Real Annoying Orange officially became the Lord Commander of the largest military of the world, people could not help but share videos of him ignoring his wife and the mother of mini-Donald, Melania Trump. So in honour of being the hero that the internet deserves, Melania Trump nee Knauss is our Person of the Week.

#FreeMelania turned into a rally cry for all protesters too lazy to physically join the march. They feverishly tweeted about how underappreciated the new First Lady is, how Trump walked 15 paces in front of her, and how she has a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome, because of which the Muggle version of Dolores Umbridge is holding her hostage. The now iconic GIF where Donald Trump appears to be shutting down her warm smile at his inauguration has already spawned a Kickstarter project titled “Make Melania Smile Again” and a Change.org petition to grant her diplomatic immunity from a man who could probably not even locate Slovenia on the map.

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I’m not sure what we’re freeing Melania from, and at this point I’m too afraid to ask. Incongruous as she was at the ceremony, standing out like a sore thumb in a sea of depressingly white people, she has gone above and beyond what was required of her to fit into their xenophobic, climate-change denying mindset.

And she’s no unwitting First Lady who didn’t expect Trump to win; she’s been preparing to occupy and potentially redecorate the White House since 1999. Apparently “her dexterity at idle chatter” and the fact that she thought that Trump would make a great president back in 1999 were qualifiers enough for her to become “the perfect political spouse”.

She’s been married to Donald Trump for a decade. It is scientifically proven that if you have that kind of proximity to a Horcrux, your soul withers away, until you turn into the kind of person who eats diamond jewellery for breakfast.

However, as of 2017, times have successfully a-changed and no measure of Tiffany trinkets can help her fill her predecessor’s shoes. But, like Iron Maiden’s anthem for hormonal teens all over, she’s being a real Trooper about it. It takes a lot of courage to squeeze yourself into an outfit that even Betty Ford would call matronly, not have an anxiety attack when you’re culpable of facilitating a cadmium-infused dictator becoming the 45th President of the United States, and, at the end of it all have the emotional endurance to contain one’s horror in a poignant grimace that is meme-worthy enough to keep the world distracted from the shitshow.

It also takes a woman who is truly secure with herself, to allow body language experts to have a field day with the footage of her dancing with the Jabba the Hutt’s ugly second cousin and not flinch at the subsequent GIFs and well-meaning avalanche of marital advice that the internet responds with. Melania Trump has indeed displayed exemplary marital conduct that all these wayward, non-sanskari feminists can take a cue from. Trump’s aloof, “a woman should be seen and not heard” stance didn’t faze her one bit, neither could it dampen the “Beverly Hills Chihuahua on the MadMen set” persona that she was channeling.

Melania Trump is no ordinary trophy wife. She’s been married to Donald Trump for a decade. It is scientifically proven that if you have that kind of proximity to a Horcrux, your soul withers away, until you turn into the kind of person who eats diamond jewellery for breakfast. Be not fooled, for under that supple, face-lifted veneer, she is probably as hardened as anybody else who is incarcerated in the world’s worst penitentiary. There are a lot of women you should worry about under Trump’s turdy tutelage, but Melania Trump is not one of them. With her pussy blouses, stolen speeches, and eternally perplexed face, she’s put the rum in Trump and now we’re all hungover.

And for this very specific purpose, we have picked Melania Trump as our Person of the Week. Scrunch up your face and look morbidly into the distance because at this party everyone’s wearing a Nancy Reagan mask.

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