Open Letter to the Loser Who Missed the Bitcoin Bus

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Open Letter to the Loser Who Missed the Bitcoin Bus

Illustration: Shruti Yatam

D

ear Friend-Who-Could-Have-Been-A-Bitcoin-Millionaire,

As a person who could have become a millionaire in the last few weeks but has not, I extend my sincere and heartfelt condolence to you. By the time you finish reading this letter, Bitcoin might have surged another $1,000, while we were still struggling on Amazon and Flipkart to get 10 per cent off on a cheap Android phone.

If it wasn’t horrible that you missed the boat, you now have to watch your chomu finance and engineering friends on Facebook bragging about it. The only time CA folks got laid was during the Intercourse exam but now, they have made shitloads of money overnight and are partying every weekend while you still travel around in Ola Share and argue with the grocerywala for change. Nothing hurts more than knowing that your friends have succeeded a lot more in life than you.

I also empathise with your struggle, as you manically google “how to get a Bitcoin”. See brother, Bitcoin is not even a real coin, it is something that just exists in code. Bitcoins have to be mined, but it has nothing to do with mining. Mining involves complex computer processing. Bitcoin is a cryptocurrency but banks don’t issue this currency. None of it makes any sense, it’s a cruel world. It feels like a trigonometry class in 7th grade all over again, where you try to catch up with the geeks but fail miserably.

By the time you finish reading this letter, Bitcoin might have surged another $1,000.

But there is no escape from this. It is like the new Stranger Things season, everyone just keeps talking about. You almost underwent clinical depression trying to ignore those boring pink papers and ramblings from your B.Com friend about how this will change banking forever. Meanwhile, the Bitcoin price was rising faster than a diabetic Indian uncle’s heart rate.

We did not understand any of this completely (nor do most people who have Bitcoins) but you did realise that a lot of people are making a lot of money when BuzzFeed started doing listicles about Bitcoin. Then it showed up on your Twitter feed, so you knew it was seriously legit. You wanted to be IN.  Trying to fit in is the cost one has to pay for living in society, but dear friend, you are a few years late to the party.

But if you are still suffering from an acute case of FOMO, it is time to keep your ego aside, and call the IT friend who would know a thing or two about this cryptocurrency. Your trusted friend will tell you that it’s a bubble that is about to come crashing down faster than India’s GDP post-demonetisation, while another friend tells you that you should totally go for it. The last thing you want when you’re clueless about something, is for people to give contrary opinions. It almost feels like the time you asked mom and dad for permission and it divided the house.

It’s best to be strong and decide right now that you don’t want anything to do with Bitcoins anymore. It’s been a tough ride and it isn’t worth all the risk and stress and I applaud you for your bravery. I predict it will last until the next time you open your laptop in office and the first Facebook post reads: “Bitcoin touches $20,000 mark.”

Like I said, a minute’s silence for all of us.

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