NewsWeed: Man Falls Into Dreaded Gender Pay-Gap, Dies

Humour

NewsWeed: Man Falls Into Dreaded Gender Pay-Gap, Dies

Illustration: Akshita Monga/Arré

 

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ew Delhi, Jan 31: In a tragic incident, a businessman fell to his death in the dreaded gender pay-gap late on Thursday. Observers are labelling the death a gross negligence on the part of the authorities, considering it’s 2018, and hallowed institutions like the pay-gap should be treated with more respect.

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Eyewitnesses say the businessman spent Thursday afternoon throwing stones in his glass house, when he accidentally hit his grandfather clock, which toppled over. This #TimesUp moment rocked his house to its foundations and shattered the glass ceiling, which came crashing down on his head. The shards of glass, doctors say, opened his mind to different perspectives, and consequently left him in shock.

Later that evening, as the businessman was undergoing treatment at a local hospital, staffers informed this publication that he received a number of hate messages from his various female employees. This, combined with some time away from his other cigar-smoking manchildren, led him down a terribly slippery slope. When he finally made it back to Earth, shocked bystanders say, he was exposed to the dreaded wage gap, that eventually led to his timely death.

At the businessman’s eulogy, his mistress spoke fondly of his chivalry. Remembering how he never let her get the cheque after dinner, joking how she didn’t make enough to afford a meal of this calibre. “He’d always drive me everywhere, apparently he didn’t want me to ruin my perfectly manicured nails doing man things,” she said, in clear agony. The businessman is survived by – apart from the mistress – a wife, three male children, and a couple of bereaved but relieved housekeepers.

“He used to pay me peanuts, so I asked him if I was ever going to get a real salary. He responded, ‘Did you just assume my tender?’, and laughed for 15 minutes. What. A. Prick,an employee remembers fondly.

Yet, the death has again inaugurated a polarising conversation. Activists have been calling for the closing of the gender-pay gap for almost a century now, considering how dangerous the whole affair is. But their warning calls are usually met with Hrithik Roshan levels of masculinity and Abhishek Bachchan levels of ignorance.

“This whole pay-gap thing is a myth according to me,” said a Men’s Rights Activist, while asking his wife to make him a sandwich. “Women don’t need as much money as men because they are physically smaller,” he added.

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