News Weed: Nation Shocked; Woman Forgets Grammy-Winning “Shape of You”

Humour

News Weed: Nation Shocked; Woman Forgets Grammy-Winning “Shape of You”

M

umbai, Jan 30: Revellers at a bar in suburban Mumbai were left speechless late on Monday night after a woman was caught half-assing the lyrics to Ed Sheeran’s “Shape of You”, hours after the Grammys. Witnesses said the woman, 22, only got through a few lines of the first verse before she began inventing lyrics of her own, drawing the ire of two teenagers nursing cocktails at the next table, and the one man pelvic thrusting his way to the front of the bar. Needless to add, this is being considered a bloody travesty.

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According to various sources present at the scene, the woman went on to mispronounce the line, “I’m in love with your body” as “Amarinder bottle”. When she was harshly corrected by an aggrieved bystander, she simply laughed, the sources said, adding that her overall demeanour seemed to be “pretty not-clued-in”.

The police has filed an FIR against her for insulting the national anthem of the proud country of Bandra-desh, and a fringe outfit from Hill Road has threatened to go on strike if no apology is tendered to their ideological leader, Sheeran ji. The shocking incident took place just hours after Ed Sheeran won Best Pop Solo Performance at the Grammys for “Shape of You”, and just minutes before a flash mob was about to perform a contemporary routine to the very same song.

“When the ‘oo aa’, ‘ooo aaa’ bit started, I remember peeing my pants a little,” a witness said. “And here was this woman, lip-syncing what seemed like the lyrics of ‘Summer of  ’69.’” The man was shaking in anger.

The People’s Front for the Liberation of Ed Sheeran, lead by actor/director Farah Khan, was also incensed. “Ed has been my best friend for a long time, ever since we took that selfie together a couple of months ago. I will not stand for this woman calling herself a true fan of Sheeran after this disgusting show… She should hang in the streets along with all the other ‘Despacito’ plebs. Who, btw, know only two words from that song, i.e. ‘Puerto Rico.’”

Farah Khan was apprehended by policemen two hours later for starting a dance-off in the middle of the Western Express Highway.

Meanwhile, the Consortium of Overpriced Drinks, an unofficial body which owns all bars in the city, has decided to go on an indefinite strike until a solution is found. “I mean, we have only three songs on our iPod, so people better be enjoying them. I play the song on Ladies Night, Gents Night, Senior Citizens Night, Pets in Tuxedo night, but this is the first time I have honestly seen some one fuck up the lyrics so bad. It’s unacceptable that something so unwoke would happen at one of our institutions,” the spokesperson said, in between shots of sambuca.  

This publication reached out to the Irish singer-songwriter to ask him what he thought about the recent development. “Aae ya knew laddie, its awkaay. Ae dunn remember much of the darn song aither,” he said, adding, “Git over ait already ae.”

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