Inside PM’s Secret Lab of Seaplanes and Shelfies

Humour

Inside PM’s Secret Lab of Seaplanes and Shelfies

Illustration: Akshita Monga / Arré

D

eep below the Prime Minister’s Office in Delhi, it has emerged, lies a labyrinth of underground tunnels full of horrors and old currency notes. Tucked neatly in a corner lies a room marked, “For Mitron & Family Only”. The contents of this room have forever been one of the country’s biggest unsolved mysteries, second only to, “Does Virushka love me as much as I love them?” The last person to have gone looking for the room reportedly lost his way in a field of stolen terracotta statues.

Yesterday Prime Minister Narendra Modi flew onto the Sabarmati river on a seaplane, a contraption that both flies and is a boat, something out of Duck Tales, which is therefore pretty fucking cool. In the process he hinted at what was behind that door. One panel of political experts dropped whatever it was talking about and commented that the room was a “lair” where dangerous weapons were being developed to fight Pakistan and other anti-nationals. Another panel dropped whatever it was talking about and claimed it was a place where formulae for bullet trains, and innovative ways to keep Bharat swachh were developed. One news channel went so far as to walk into the room armed with 20 cameramen, the expert debater Arnab Goswami, and “the facts” to tell us what was actually going on.

They revealed that the room was indeed a lair, but not one for developing arsenal. It has now emerged that the Prime Minister’s right-hand man had kidnapped a group of nuclear scientists last week — one was immediately renamed Baba the Hutt and given a crash course in yoga — to make “cool gadgets” for them. These gadgets, sources in the BJP predict, will be better than the Congress’s gadgets, and will be 100 per cent pure veg. It is reported that the kidnapping took place three days after Mr Modi’s minions found a DVD of the 1973 Bond movie, Live and Let Die.

After completing work on the seaplane, scientists have moved on to creating a device that is capable of coming up with creative acronyms every time it is fed a piece of dhokla.

After completing work on the seaplane, scientists have moved on to creating a device that is capable of coming up with creative acronyms every time it is fed a piece of dhokla. This will come in handy, experts say, every time Mr Modi has to deliver a speech, or someone buys too much dhokla. In the pipeline is also a device that maps the perfect time to lean in for a hug. Experts reveal this will increase the country’s fame ten-fold while helping to prevent the menace that is awkward photoshoots. Speaking of photoshoots, the lab is also working on a prototype of a Shelfie, or a place to chronologically store selfies. Reports suggest that the ministry is having a very hard time keeping track of progress so far.

The ultimate goal, scientists say, is to create a leader who is so cool, so hip, that all the millennials will fall under his spell. Ed Sheeran and Coldplay will open for him, and the world will compare him to The Dude. This mission will continue until the day that India no longer needs an entire industry tweeting positive things on behalf of the government.

Until then THE NAME’S MODI… NARENDRA MODI.

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