Person of the Week: Sonam Gupta

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Person of the Week: Sonam Gupta

Illustration: Mandar Mhaskar

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his week, Donald Trump became the custodian of America’s nuclear codes, Indians continued to be inconvenienced by their own currency, and a girl named Sonam Gupta was once again reminded of her alleged bewafai.

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None of the new 2000 notes ended up having a microchip that could track black money – it was a hoax that probably had its origins on ultimate shitpost site, Reddit. One note, however, did get a new feature. It came along with a gentle reminder that Sonam Gupta had been bewafa, so that other men didn’t go out and make the same mistake the original poster has. What the actual Sonam has done, will forever be a mystery. 

The bewafa post went viral pretty quick, because no one really has the money to do anything else right now, and Sonam soon achieved top-player status in the country. She went from being an alleged cheater to sharing the same space as the legend Mahatma Gandhi and the space explorer Mangalyaan. 

And so, it is with great pleasure that we declare the unknown Sonam Gupta to be our Person of the Week. Carry your saddest music and hardest alcohol because Sonam probably isn’t going to show up, keeping in mind the track record of her bewafai. Also, carry a weapon in case her ex shows up and starts threatening to kill you. 

Of all the “Rocky heart Tinas” and “Mayuri be mines” scribbled on the prominent architectural structures in India, “Sonam Gupta bewafa hai” is by far the most famous. Nearly 88,000 people were talking about her the day the new note was released. On Facebook alone. The message, which first appeared on a 10-rupee note earlier this year, has now been spotted sitting by Mao Zedong on a Yuan note, beside George Washington on a US $20 note, and with Queen Elizabeth on a 10-pound UK note. It is only a matter of time before UNESCO declares Sonam Gupta to be the most “bewafa” person in the world and Modi is credited with bringing about this stunning change in Indian morality. 

I have a feeling that at least one suspicious man, who married a Sonam Gupta, is going to ask for a divorce pretty soon.

I assume that soon after, Kejriwal will take all the Sonam Guptas to court for colluding with Modi and being unfaithful to the people of the country. Akhilesh Yadav may desperately try to use her popularity to win the UP elections. (This situation may get dark pretty quick because we all know how UP men take to bewafai.) We don’t know, anything could happen. 

What we do know is that it is no longer safe or wise to be a Sonam Gupta on social media. According to these accounts in Mumbai Mirror, Sonam Guptas have received more attention than Kejru (lulz) and Rahul (baba) this week. And that is a shocking statistic that I just made up. Some Sonams are getting phone calls from everyone they know, others are being questioned on WhatsApp. One Sonam said that she had 32 pending messages in her Instagram direct-message folder, another said she was getting up to 20 friend requests a day. I have a feeling that at least one suspicious man, who married a Sonam Gupta, is going to ask for a divorce pretty soon. (This is a reasonable assumption since there are 1.3 billion Indian people.)

As for the original author of the note, I can picture one very heartbroken man sitting in his room with no pants on, drinking heavily, singing “Accha sila diya tune mere pyaar ka” while he scribbles “Sonam Gupta bewafa hai” on random objects around him. When his friends ask him, if he wants to go out and find someone else, he snaps at them dramatically, and when they ask again, he threatens to jump out of the window, but is luckily too drunk to walk. So his friends just leave him behind anyway. 

But we will never really know. The real Sonam Gupta will probably never stand up, unfortunately. Maybe she had never been bewafa. Maybe the original author of the note was in love with her, but got no attention in return. Maybe she didn’t even know the guy. Maybe she actually was bewafa, and had a good reason for being so. Or she didn’t, and then crooned along with her Beyoncé-singing buddies, “If you liked it, then you should’ve put a ring on it.” Sonam Gupta will henceforth be one of the greatest unsolved mysteries of our time. Second only to who let the dogs out.

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