Is that the iPhone X, or Are You Just Happy to See Me?


Is that the iPhone X, or Are You Just Happy to See Me?

Illustration: Sushant Ahire/Arré


he iPhone X has arrived in India and the long queues at Apple stores have followed. We live in terrible times. Kim Jong-un is testing nuclear bombs at the rate an Indian kid messes around with sutli bombs during Diwali. After Hurricane Irma and Harvey, the United States is bracing itself for its first snowstorm of the season and in India, journalists as busy discussing whether Biryani is a Hindu or Muslim dish on prime-time news debates.

But now that the iPhone X has arrived in India, all of these storms in our lives will now subside. Our countrymen will be standing in queues once again in the month of November. This time, voluntarily, and to get their hands on the new iPhone X.

During the annual kitty party of nerds held this September, the Apple CEO Tim Cook got on stage and told us that this is the best iPhone they have ever made. Until obviously, they launch the next iPhone in 2018. But yes, for one year, this will be the best iPhone they would have ever made. And then again, they would have made the best iPhone ever the following year. Apple basically treats the iPhone the same way your friend treats his drinking problem. “I swear this is the last time I’m drinking,” he claims before every drink.

But the fact of the matter is that truly big things were expected from the iPhone this year, because it is the 10th anniversary of Apple’s most successful product. And just like every parent who treats their child’s 10th birthday like a gigantic event as if turning ten is an achievement equal to the splitting of the atom, Apple also made a big deal about it.

To begin with, theiPhone X, 256 GB version costs 1 lakh in Indian rupees. It’s not a small amount, but then they’re giving you great value for money. While the first iPhone had a 3.5-inch screen, the iPhone X today boasts of a mega 5.8-inch screen. iPhone 8, the successor to the 7 Plus, also kept the trend going with an even bigger and better screen. Once the phone stops working, it can be used as a tray to serve chai and biscuits to guests. But what’s really driving Indian men in droves is the six-inch promise. They know it’s the only way they will ever have six inches in their pants. We’ve seen phones that come with a waterproof warranty, but the iPhone is the first phone in the world that comes with a “get laid” warranty.

Apple basically treats the iPhone the same way your friend treats his drinking problem. “I swear this is the last time I’m drinking,” he claims before every drink.

And that’s not it. The iPhone X went ahead and beat the iPhone 7, which got rid of  the headphone jack. With iPhone X, they got rid of the “Home” button. Conventional technology is disappearing faster from the iPhone than witnesses in the Vyapam scam, but new technology is rapidly taking its place. The iPhone also features further advancements to facial recognition and fingerprint technology, and will soon be used in Aadhaar centres to issue cards. 3D sensing technology scans a user’s face in a millionth of a second, which is way faster than the time it takes for the Indian society to judge a woman’s character. Aunties may soon be seen flashing phones in the face of women tenants. The camera has been upgraded: When you click pictures of your food, Siri will immediately tell you whether it is cow or buffalo meat.

The Indian version of Siri has been highly awaited feature and one hopes it will makes its debut soon. God knows we desperately need an Indian Siri, who starts swearing in traffic, suggests coupon codes before we buy something online, warns us before a sex scene so you can move out of the room, and turns the phone to airplane mode automatically after three missed calls from mom.

As all these goodies and more have now arrived to make the world a better place, we will also gird our loins for rehashed kidney jokes, brace ourselves for product video parodies, and a “my penis is bigger than your penis” contest on tech forums between Apple and Android fanboys. Both sides will try to troll each other, both sides will claim their product is better while the world market gets flooded with the new iPhone. People are standing in queues for hours and some are galloping to the stores to be the first ones to get their hands on the best iPhone Apple has ever made.  

Until next year.