Is that iPhone 8, or Are You Just Happy to See Me?


Is that iPhone 8, or Are You Just Happy to See Me?

Illustration: Sushant Ahire/Arré



e live in terrible times. Kim Jong-un is testing nuclear bombs at the rate an Indian kid messes around with sutli bombs during Diwali. Hurricane Irma and Harvey have unleashed havoc in the United States, meanwhile in India, journalists are unleashing a storm of their own in the form of mind-numbing research about who Narendra Modi follows on Twitter and what they tweet.


Come Tuesday, all of these storms in our lives will subside, and the world will turn its attention to the one event of true global consequence: The launch of the new iPhone, iPhone 8.

This annual kitty party of nerds will commence with the Apple CEO getting on stage and telling us that this is the best iPhone they have ever made. Until obviously, they launch the next iPhone in 2018. But yes, for one year, this will be the best iPhone they would have ever made. And then again, they would have made the best iPhone ever the following year. Apple basically treats the iPhone the same way your friend treats his drinking problem. “I swear this is the last time I’m drinking,” he claims before every drink.

But the fact of the matter is that truly big things are expected from the iPhone this year because it is the 10th anniversary of Apple’s most successful product. And just like every parent who treats their child’s 10th birthday like a gigantic event as if turning ten is an achievement equal to the splitting of the atom, Apple is going to make a big deal about it.

To begin with, this phone, to be called iPhone X, is rumoured to cost around 1 lakh in Indian rupees. It’s not a small amount, but then they’re giving you great value for money. While the first iPhone had a 3.5-inch screen, the iPhone 7 Plus today boasts of a mega 5.5-inch screen. iPhone 8, the successor to the 7 Plus, is rumoured to keep the trend going with an even bigger and better screen. Once the phone stops working, it can be used as a tray to serve chai and biscuits to guests. But what’s really driving Indian men in droves is the six-inch promise. They know it’s the only way they will ever have six inches in their pants. We’ve seen phones that come with a waterproof warranty, but the iPhone is the first phone in the world that comes with a “get laid” warranty.

Apple basically treats the iPhone the same way your friend treats his drinking problem. “I swear this is the last time I’m drinking,” he claims before every drink.

And that’s not it. The iPhone X is expected to go a step ahead of the iPhone 7, which got rid of  the headphone jack. The latest one may get rid of the “Home” button. Conventional technology may be disappearing faster from the iPhone than witnesses in the Vyapam scam, but new technology is rapidly taking its place. The iPhone is also set to feature further advancements to facial recognition and fingerprint technology, and will soon be used in Aadhaar centres to issue cards. 3D sensing technology will scan a user’s face in a millionth of a second, which is way faster than the time it takes for the Indian society to judge a woman’s character. Aunties may soon be seen flashing phones in the face of women tenants. The camera is expected to get an upgrade: When you click pictures of your food, Siri will immediately tell you whether it is cow or buffalo meat.

The Indian version of Siri has been highly awaited feature and one hopes it will makes its debut with the iPhone X. God knows we desperately need an Indian Siri, who starts swearing in traffic, suggests coupon codes before we buy something online, warns us before a sex scene so you can move out of the room, and turns the phone to airplane mode automatically after three missed calls from mom.

As we wait for all these goodies and more to arrive and make the world a better place, we will also gird our loins for rehashed kidney jokes, brace ourselves for product video parodies, and a “my penis is bigger than your penis” contest on tech forums between Apple and Android fanboys. Both sides will try to troll each other, both sides will claim their product is better while the world market gets flooded with the new iPhone. People will stand in queues for hours to be the first ones to get their hands on the best iPhone Apple has ever made.

Until next year.