What to Expect When You are Not Expecting Anything From Krrish 4

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What to Expect When You are Not Expecting Anything From Krrish 4

Illustration: Shruti Yatam

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hen Rakesh Roshan announced the release date for Krrish 4, everyone around the country thought the exact same thing: “Why the fuck are they making another Krrish movie?” It made me wonder if Rakesh Roshan secretly hates his son or is jealous of his luscious mane. The announcement for Krrish 4 was made on Hrithik Roshan’s birthday as a “gift” for all of us. It’s a bit like Modiji giving us the gift of demonetisation: It seems like a decent idea because you think the uber-rich will suffer, but as days pass by, you realise the joke is on you. Watching another Krrish movie is like being subjected to another round of demonetisation.

There is a reason for this scepticism. Krrish and Krrish 3 crashed our dreams of getting our own cool desi superhero faster than Hrithik Roshan’s reputation after the Kangana fiasco. The whole thing started with Koi… Mil Gaya aka ET gone horribly wrong. In the film, aliens descend upon Earth and surprise, surprise they find themselves in a country which is not the United States. They are here to find an answer to the mystery which has dumbfounded the entire universe: How old is Rekha exactly? (The correct answer is that she predates the formation of the Sun.) The movie had some incredible direction, as Jadoo struggles to find “dhoop”. Yes, in India of all places.

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The search for “dhoop” for his bae Jadoo speeds up Hrithik’s ageing process, but worry not, for he makes a comeback as Rohit’s son aka Krrish in the sequel. A film in which Hrithik Roshan manages to wedge in some three dialogues between three hours of dancing. With Krrish, the Roshans claimed to bring to Bollywood visual effects on par with Hollywood. At a time when Prabhas was still practicing his jumps from one mountain to another.

But quitting is not a word in the Roshan dictionary. Adamant to give India a superhero it will be proud of, we had Krrish 3 in 2013. (The genius of the franchise can be judged by the fact that Krrish 3 followed Krrish; there was never a Krrish 2). The movie is about superhuman abilities but clearly, math isn’t one of them. In a movie where Hrithik somersaults in the sky and jumps from one skyscraper to another, the part everyone finds most unbelievable is that Viveik Oberoi plays a genius (an evil one). Kangana Ranaut plays a cunning shape-shifter who allegedly tries her best to con Hrithik and she hasn’t gotten out of character since.

Krrish 4 will be all about future technology such as cryptocurrency, as in people will want their money back in the form of Bitcoins when they start exiting the theatres 15 minutes into the film.

So after a string of hackneyed movie plots, what will Rakesh Roshan offer with Krrish 4? A tough ask, considering there are hundreds of superhero movies to rip off. Watching Krrish 4 fight for its place in the world of Marvel and DC is as cute as watching your kacha-limbu younger brother bat on the ground as the big boys dismiss him and get on with the game.

I am certain Krrish 4 will be set in the future, perhaps in the India of 2045. It will have cutting-edge tech, graphics, and CGI similar to Back to the Future or any other low-budget Hollywood production from the ’80s. It will probably be about leaked Aadhaar data and Krrish is hot on the tail of the guy who has stolen it. He will try his best to retrieve the data by hacking into the system by repeatedly and furiously pressing random buttons on the keyboard in accordance to the Bollywood Manual of Hacking.

And when all fails, he will end up calling Jadoo, who will love the India of 2045, where temperatures have risen so much that you don’t have to walk around asking for, “dhoop.” However, Jadoo is now all grown up, but in the K-serial sense, where 300 years have passed but he basically looks just two years older. (Or maybe he uses the same face mask as Rekhaji.) He refuses to help because he doesn’t like the script, wherein he is called upon earth only once a year after more than a decade and is given a fancier version of Tusshar Kapoor’s role from Golmaal.

Krrish 4 will be all about future technology such as cryptocurrency, as in people will want their money back in the form of Bitcoins when they start exiting the theatres 15 minutes into the film. In a time of no national anthems in theatres, 15 minutes of viewing will be mandatory by 2020. And if you do not abide by the rules, the government will freeze your bank accounts.

Of course, your movie-viewing history will be linked to your Aadhaar, you dummy. There’s no escaping Krrish 4.  

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