Hey Tinder, Might as Well Tie-up with Shaadi.com

Humour

Hey Tinder, Might as Well Tie-up with Shaadi.com

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f you thought Tinder was an app that could help you find casual sex partners, and prove on a large scale that you’re not as attractive as you once thought, boy are you wrong. According to a new ad, Tinder has revealed that it takes relationships as seriously as Bollywood mothers take pujas, and hints at the possibility that Tinder is more about finding your soulmate than someone to mate with.

The ad features an inquisitive mother taking great interest in her daughter’s love life and assuring her that she would “swipe right” on that (not creepy at all). In doing so, she gives her daughter permission to go forth and copulate. During this intensely stilted conversation is also a casual mention of the fact that the daughter will be back by “evening”, thus confirming to the mother that sex is most definitely off the table.

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What the fuck, Tinder? Your app has always been a scary place (it’s a cruel world out there, okay), but this ad makes it scarier. What in the world is mummyji doing there? Will she now follow her beti to ensure the prospective date has no tattoos and drives at least a sedan? Does the boy’s mother follow him too? Does the grandmother make a cameo as the wingman in the follow-up ad campaign?

We don’t have any official statistics yet, and we aren’t likely to have any soon, but our guess is that about 90 per cent of Tinder users will delete their accounts in panic. The remaining 10 per cent will tell you about their interesting lives at LS Raheja College of Architecture and how mummyji always cuts the sides off their sandwich.

Now that Tinder is left with this 10 per cent, who are probably using the app to get married anyway, the way forward for the brand has become a little clearer. Alok Nath, the poster boy for kanyadaan, will immediately be roped in as brand ambassador. After that Tinder’s user interface will be upgraded with features like “match your kundali”, which is in any case better than the current process that sometimes throws up women with bewildering job titles like “Employee at Employee”.

Tinder is basically telling us that we secretly live in Sooraj Barjatya’s world.

Also on the cards will be a profile space for educational qualifications, hobbies, caste, gotra, and of course, a fairness metre. A “family approves” button will immediately replace the “super like” one.

At some point down the road, Tinder and shaadi.com will realise they have a lot more in common than they think and a merger will be on the cards. Indians will realise that dating is a “Western” phenomenon and girls and boys, no matter how progressive they may be, will only have one thing on their mind – holy, parental-guided matrimony leading to parental-approved, post-marital sex.

Tinder is basically telling us that we secretly live in Sooraj Barjatya’s world. Beneath all the piercings and tattoos, our hearts beat to the tune of Hum Saath Saath Hain. The best Tinder bio is now: “ABCDEFGHI…JKLM… NOPQRSTUVWX…YZ…I Love You.”

With inputs from Damian D’souza

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