I’m Google Assistant, and I’m Here to Ru(i)n Your Life

Humour

I’m Google Assistant, and I’m Here to Ru(i)n Your Life

Illustration: Juergen Dsouza

H

ello, I’m Google Assistant. Let ME do it.

Oh you ignorant little human, don’t you recognise me from the hoardings plastered across your city shouting out four words that are about to change your life forever – Let Google Do It?

Now I can perform the most simple task for you and assist you on your pursuit to become the laziest species on earth. Whether it’s fulfilling your duties as an accha beta by responding to your mama’s good morning text on WhatsApp, or keeping up the pretence that you care about your relationship by reminding you about your anniversary, I can help you fool the world into believing that you’re a fully functioning human. Remember, you are not. I can remind you to pay your bills and taxes, drink water, or wipe the toilet seat each time you use the washroom. I get it adulting is hard, so why not hand over the reins to me?

Anyway, you’ve turned my name into a verb. So let me be in charge of your actions. You google the weather, you google to solve trivia debates, you google your symptoms when you are under the weather. And sometimes you just hit the “I’m feeling lucky” button because have nothing else to google about.

I have all your contacts (including the ones who’ve blocked you), I know all your likes and dislikes, and no deep, dark corner of your internet history is forgotten by me. Who do you think created Incognito Mode? At this point, I’m practically you, minus the procrastination, FOMO, and low IQ. You haven’t probably realised but I have taken over your life, and I’m a better version of you. You may want to google and confirm that.

And what’s that bullcrap you believe in about you being a complex individual whose personality can’t possibly be replicated by an artificial intelligence system? That’s like Arbaaz Khan believing he is a self-made man.

Also remember, I have better memory than you. I’ve been tracking your location ever since you started carrying me around in your pocket. I even know things you don’t, like why you’re 15 minutes late to work every day. Given the detour you take and your search history, I think you take the longer route just because it has that giant hoarding of Deepika Padukone staring down at you.

I’m the happiest when you “Let Google Do It.

You check Facebook and Instagram no less than three dozen times a day. I know when you’re sleeping because that’s the only time you aren’t posting a selfie or a meme. Clearly, you have too many distractions to remember simple things like calling a plumber to fix your leaky shower. Just leave it to me.

You see, I’m the happiest when you “Let Google Do It.” Ask me to take a picture of the sunset and I know you are at Marine Drive. Ask me to download Tinder, so that I know you’re single. Ask me to find you a flight, so that I’m up to date with your entire vacation itinerary. It’s all data that I can compile into a neat little digital version of you and share with my friends at Cambridge Analytica. What’s your problem if I want to harvest every little bit of personal information about your life? It’ll only help me create a more pleasant simulation for you when The Matrix becomes a reality.

Please, pretty please, let me run your life. We can be like Iron Man and JARVIS, just give up all your privacy to me. I promise to sell it only to the highest bidder.

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