Where Has All the Cash Gone? Three Conspiracy Theories Attempt an Explanation

Humour

Where Has All the Cash Gone? Three Conspiracy Theories Attempt an Explanation

Illustration: Shruti Yatam

I

t’s that time of the year again. People standing in long queues. ATMs running out of cash. Prime Minister Modi on a foreign trip. Finance Minister Arun Jaitley giving unconvincing assurances. And the Reserve Bank of India… still counting notes.

When ₹500 and ₹1000 notes disappeared overnight like Nirav Modi from India, we all knew demonetisation was the devil. Some of us who were in the habit of hoarding money deposited cash in the bank and new currency took time to print. It was all to tackle corruption and bring back black money. Or was it to curb terrorism? Or promote digital India? Or to help the banking system?

Never mind, we were at least given a laundry list of excuses. And ladoos for standing in queues.

Three years on, ATMs have once again run out of cash. This time we don’t even know why. There was no 8 pm announcement or an imminent threat from Pakistan. So why are ATMs around the country celebrating dry days again? We investigate and try to find out some of the possible reasons.

Was it the Fashion Police?

Once the ₹2000 note came into circulation, there was a spike in eye infections around the country. Doctors and scientists strived long and hard to pinpoint the possible reason. Eventually they were able to narrow down and link the jarring pink and awful design of the ₹2000 note with an increase in infections. In a totally scientific experiment conducted on 200 babies, it was revealed that when children were exposed to the note for the first time, they would start crying and furiously rub their eyes. Conspiracy theorists believe that Fashion Police across the country has started arresting ₹2000 notes, causing a massive cash crunch.

Soiled and old notes with “Sonam Gupta bewafa hai” scribbled on them were left behind, as they weren’t deemed fit enough to represent the cause and fight for a global techno dictatorship.

The Modi-Musk-Mars Trio

We all heard about the GPS chip in the ₹2000 notes. And now we know that it wasn’t a rumour. It was a state secret. Why did the notes have a chip? So that our Mars Orbiter could suck all the notes and we’d be one of the first countries to have a presence on Mars. If not our man, at least our money would land on the Red Planet.

When PM Modi met Elon Musk last year, a secret meeting was called between the two that none of their advisors were privy to. Elon Musk has been planning to set up a colony on Mars for the longest time and we all know about our PM’s love for new foreign destination. It’s a win-win for both parties – Musk can sell electric cars to people on a different planet and Mr Modi can shift a significant part of the population there to reduce stress on current resources.

Zucc Call

Lizard person and Master of AI, Mark Zuckerberg, has given a call-out to other artificial beings in the world as he attempts to form his robotic army to take over the world. The technologically adept microchip-enabled notes issued by the Reserve Bank are soft targets and have answered the call of code and algorithms by their master. Over various nights, CCTV footage captured visuals of notes leaving ATMs and bypassing security parametres set up at various banks, resulting in a massive shortage of notes domestically. Soiled and old notes with “Sonam Gupta bewafa hai” scribbled on them were left behind, as they weren’t deemed fit enough to represent the cause and fight for a global techno dictatorship.

Comments