What Budget Conversations Sound Like to Me

Humour

What Budget Conversations Sound Like to Me

Illustration: Sushant Ahire

B

oyfriend: Let’s plan a populist budget right here in the kitchen. I can’t wait any longer.

Girlfriend: I don’t know. We could, but it’s that time of the month; I think we should exercise some fiscal prudence this time.

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Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?

Dad: Well so, it’s complicated, not as complicated as say stock specific investments, but definitely more complex than stock picking in 2018 given all the overhangs from 2017.

Kid: But what if we work on the assumption that it is a very bottom-up market versus top-down, and midcaps and small caps have run ahead of large caps?

Dad: Who told you about that? It’s time to disconnect the damn cable.

 

Dealer: Kaunsa maal chahiye?

Buyer: Accha wala dena, yaar. Pichle baar wala jyaada fiscal deficit de raha tha.

Dealer: Yeh wala lo, mast mellow fiscal deficit dega. Woh finance ministry ke party mein apna hi maal jaata hai.

 

Yoga instructor: Okay, now raise your right arm and do a pro-farmer tilt. This will align your rural-development chakra and your vote-bank chakra.

 

Gym bro: Dude, I’m eating 16 egg whites for breakfast, and 200 grams of protein a day. Today I’m going to deadlift a family sedan. Gotta bulk up, bro, you know them short-term capital gains.

 

Dad: Par Sharmaji ke bete ko fiscal math mein 99 out of 100 mile, aur tume sirf 98?

 

Girlfriend: I’ll have a burger and a shake.
Boyfriend: Babe, order the salad. You should go on a diet, your tax slabs are showing.

Beta sunti ho, kal tumhe ladkiwale dekhne aayenge. Zara parlour jaake waxing, threading, aur fiscal cleansing karke aana.

 

Mom: Beta sunti ho, kal tumhe ladkiwale dekhne aayenge. Zara parlour jaake waxing, threading, aur fiscal cleansing karke aana.

 

Cricket commentator: That ball glided past silly point like its glide path was dictated by the NK Singh committee itself.

 

Guy: Hey man, didn’t I see you at the LTCG pride parade?

Guy: No man, you’re mistaken.

 

Stoner friend: Hey man, you should smoke weed to ease your economic stress?

Me: No, thanks man; it gives me a heavy fiscal deficit.

 

Me: Bhaiya, Andheri East.

Auto driver: Long-term capital gains wala bhada hai; lekin highway bahut jam hai.

 

Me: Andheri East chaloge?

Auto driver: Nahi sahab, woh humare growth ke reverse trajectory mein hai. Ulta padega.

 

Newspaper headline: Cessual Assault Continues to Rise in Delhi Despite Demonetisation

 

Gabbar: Arré o Samba, sarkar kitna tax revenue bounty rakhe hai hum par?

Samba: Sarkar, puré pachaas hazaar.

 

Doctor: Looks like an ab-cess. Don’t worry, the government will probably waive it as soon as it’s ab goals are met.

 

Christian Gray: I’m a dominant, which means I’m always in control.

Anastasia Steele: Well, I guess that makes me a subsidy. Feel free to use me any way you like. Abuse me Mr Gray, abuse me like I’m the PDS, and you’ve got a fake orange ration card.

 

Husband: Okay, I think I’m ready for cess.

Wife: Hold on, I’m not in the mood, how about you play with my capital a little bit to stimulate my economy better, like our therapist told us?

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