Arré Checklist: Three Social Media Habits to Adopt After 25

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Arré Checklist: Three Social Media Habits to Adopt After 25

Illustration: Shruti Yatam

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ello there, fellow adult. In case you haven’t realised, we are now officially too old to be using more hashtags than actual words in our captions. I understand that using #TooRadToBeSad seems like a provocative and edgy statement to make for your cubicle selfie. But the “7 Steps to Avoid Crying in the Workplace” article visible on your browser behind you, kinda defeats the purpose, no? Being in your 20s is hard enough without the added embarrassment of everyone on your feed knowing how much you’re sucking at it. So here are three simple social media hacks to make it seem like you’re adulting just fine.

1) Embrace that past you was better

“Nostalgia is indeed the first sign of ageing.” Your posts would be way more relatable if you spoke of a happier time. Like 2013. Look at how young and full of zeal you were back then! Your face looks so youthful and full of potential. “Wow. I would have totally banged Rohit back then. No chance now; but back then, definitely,” your crush might think to herself before mercifully giving you a pity-“like” today. After all, that version of you was devoid of pesky under-eye circles attributed to the crippling anxiety that comes with the omnipresent fear that you won’t make enough money for rent and die alone. So cheer up and find solace in sharing your Facebook memories from half a decade ago. No, nobody wants to know about how well your 2018 resolutions are going.

2) Use vague captions like “This!” and “I literally cannot…”

Nothing is more endearing to your followers than you sharing a politically motivated news article with your nuanced, pithy input: “THIS!” In all caps even. With an exclamation mark to drive home the point. “Wow. Atul must really believe in the opinions stated in that Thought Catalog piece if he took the effort to write one complete word about it,” your peers will think. When you want to convey your dismay at something, be sure to type out half a sentence followed by an ellipsis. It will convey that you were were so overwhelmed by shock mid-sentence that you couldn’t be bothered to include a verb in it. It will totally have your boss thinking, “Hmm. Shruti seems like an unapologetically empathetic young girl! Let’s go ahead and give her that five per cent increment, shall we?”

The amount of love you shower on a person on social media is inversely proportional to how much you care about them in real life.

3) Only post pictures with old friends on their birthdays

Look, everyone knows that the amount of love you shower on a person on social media is inversely proportional to how much you care about them in real life. That in mind, acknowledge the death of your bond with your teenage BFF by celebrating his birthday with a social media post. Using a “Then and Now” picture is highly recommended. Bonus adulting points if the pictures have a Clarendon filter and were clicked a decade apart. One from 2007 (the second to last time you met him) and one in 2017. The older picture will highlight just how healthy your bond and hairlines used to be. And the newer one, an awkward, drunken college reunion selfie, highlighting the tragic reality of the two of you having grown apart. Also, double chins.

Alternatively, you could also turn your social media game around by sharing your “Friendversary” videos with people you’ve literally never met in person and searching for existential memes in which to tag the two poor souls who are still friends with you. But most importantly, always remember to waste precious hours of your work day writing, and posting listicles like this one.

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