The Arnab Resignation Letter You Didn’t Know About

Humour

The Arnab Resignation Letter You Didn’t Know About

Illustration: Juergen Dsouza/ Arré

D

ear Times Now,

I’m writing this letter to you because I have probably damaged your eardrums and you won’t be able hear to me in person. It is with great regret that I inform you that I will be leaving your show, The Newshour.

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It’s been a great run, these 10 years, I’ve gone from knowing nothing to telling the nation everything it needs to know. If I was on GoT, Jon Snow would’ve probably known everything. I don’t mean to brag, but I am actually so badass that if I played the lead in Mission Impossible, it would just be called Mission.

Since the announcement, I’ve been flooded with questions: “Why Arnab, why did you decide to leave?” For once, the nation really wants to know. It’s been a tough decision but you will be happy to know that I will be working on a side project to sow the seeds for a generation of little Arnabs to grow and flourish. Come December, I will be starting the Arnab Goswami School of Journalism, where the finest minds of the country will be schooled in the fine art of jingoism. If one of me could shape the political future of the country, imagine what more of me could do.

During the debate, I will eventually announce in the form of a hashtag that I’m going international, bitches.

I feel it’s time to start “giving back” to society and also worry about this vein popping out on my forehead. Besides, last year’s reports that I accidentally triggered an avalanche in the Himalayas when the JNU saga was underway, have deeply troubled me. Which is why apart from lowering my decibel levels, I have also decided to start an NGO called “Arnabs Speak Louder than Words”. The NGO’s first mission is to make several people dress up as me and start handing out facts to the general populace. The next course of action will be decided after a two-hour debate during which I say most of the words.

During the debate, I will eventually announce in the form of a hashtag that I’m going international, bitches. I’m tired of riling up NRIs against non-issues. It’s getting a little boring now. CNN, BBC, and the rest of the Western media can continue to do this, I’m launching a new global show made by Indians. On my first debate there, I will wear a dhoti, and try and start a revolution in Iceland. I have gained considerable fame there in the past for being the loudest person they’ve ever seen, so that shouldn’t be too hard.

Anyway, in closing, I must say that I was the best anchor you will ever have. I single handedly made your channel the single largest provider of tinnitus in this country, with a 600 per cent higher success rate than Diwali crackers. I’ve also converted your channel from some boring news thing to the most electrifying source of misinformation in the country. Have fun convincing sponsors to hang on but I fear for TIMES NOW it is TIME UP…

So long, losers!

Yours Truly,
Arnab Goneswami

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