Santa’s Open Letter to Amruta Fadnavis’ Trolls

Humour

Santa’s Open Letter to Amruta Fadnavis’ Trolls

Illustration: Palak Bansal

D

ear Indian Troll,

Tis the jolly season again, when you deck the halls with Holi and shimmy to Jingle Balle. I was compiling my Naughty or Nice List and I had no idea where to slot you. You have grown up so much this year: Earlier you only said mean things to people anonymously, but now you also send them dank memes, GIFs, and death threats.

I was worried at the beginning of the year when my elves were telling me how you were ruining the internet for everyone. You shamed Ameesha Patel over her clothes, Aahana Kumra for her weight, and Rahul Gandhi… for well, being Rahul Gandhi, but I suppose I can let that one slide. But this morning I noticed that you had now found a new target in Amruta Fadnavis. I had to take off your name from the Naughty List, and put you on the Assholes List.

Amruta was merely giving gifts to poor children at a Christmas-themed charity event, and as some sort of an authority on the subject, I approve of her kind deed. You say that it is an attempt to convert people to Christianity, and as Indian Santa, I am deeply offended by that.

In India, with our own version of secularism, we celebrate all festivals with equal fervour. During Christmas, I give gifts to children at schools, and then change into my Hanuman costume during Diwali and tell them stories from the Ramayana. Christmas is as Indian as any festival and if you need proof, just ask Sukhbir to sing you a jingle and watch him go Ho Ho Ho.

Where I am rom-com hero, you are the typical small-hearted mean-spirited villain from a ’90s Bollywood film with a last name like Jindaal and a first name like Ajgar.

How did you become like this, troll? When your office HR forces you to play Secret Santa with fake enthusiasm and inflated budgets, do you accuse them of converting you? No, because they’re the ones who pay you, so you sit quietly at your desk and the only thing you convert is .docs to .pdfs.

I can see that anonymity and the entitlement to judge people makes you feel powerful. Don’t tell me about it, I feel it every year when I’m making the list. But we couldn’t be further apart. Where I am rom-com hero, you are the typical small-hearted mean-spirited villain from a ’90s Bollywood film with a last name like Jindaal and a first name like Ajgar.

Despite your appalling conduct, I bring gifts for everyone including you. I have been observing you throughout the year and you’re being presented with a huge Ignore button. You can hang it on your wall, tack it to your refrigerator, do whatever the fuck so long as it serves as a daily reminder to you that it is possible to ignore something you do not agree with. This may be a radical change in your lifestyle, but it is something you will have to do to avoid being on my Asshole list again.

I love everyone, and I love you as well, dear troll. I hope you change your ways, because the last thing you want to see is a pissed-off fat man in a cute red dress and white beard. I won’t hurt you physically, I will hurt you where it hurts most, and take away the thing most dear to you — fast internet connection.

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