An Honest Letter from a Pack of Abs to You

Humour

An Honest Letter from a Pack of Abs to You

Illustration: Sushant Ahire

D

ear Inglorious Procrastinator,

Is it me that you’re looking for?

Before you get excited and reply in the affirmative, let me stop your delusion right there by reminding you of your bleak reality. In the lip-synced words of the great Katrina Kaif, “I know you want it but you’re never gonna get it. Tere haath kabhi na aani.”

Sigh. I can’t delay the inevitable any longer under the guise of playing antakshari, so here is the bad news. I regret to inform you that the home delivery of your abs, slated for arrival in the first week of April, just in time for your annual beach vacay, has now been indefinitely postponed. It could have been ready to give you a visit by November, but looking at the frequent pizza deliveries you’re getting used to, I’m forced to say that it seems like a long shot.

I understand you might be a little confused right now wondering how it is that your dedicated daydreaming has failed so gloriously at granting you what you desire the most: a pack of abs. Lemme try and break down why we have to confront this drastic reality.

Before you jump to conclusions, which is about the only exercise you do, let me get this out of the way: It’s not us, it’s you.

For starters, munching on innumerable packets of Lay’s Cream and Onion doesn’t count as “eating your greens”, the same way making vegetable Maggi your staple diet isn’t “eating your vegetables”. If that wasn’t all, your roadside Chinese consumption at midnight has increased in proportion to the number of flops in Bobby Deol’s career.

What happened to those DIY salads you made a big deal about eating last week? Also, ordering a Subway with extra cheese, dousing it in all the sauces in the world, isn’t exactly healthy eating either. Even when you ask the Subway guy to put “extra lettuce”. So, do yourself a favour and stop rushing to the mirror to check whether your abs have arrived just seconds after you manage to keep down a piece of lettuce. And don’t even get me started on your dismal water consumption. Actually, repeat this after me: Coke isn’t water.

You bought a FitBit but refused to walk any distance further than the one from your bed to the refrigerator.

To be honest, I did have high hopes from you, especially toward the beginning of the year when your New Year Resolutions were dominated by the fitness goals you aimed to achieve in three months. But then suddenly things started going downhill. You made a workout playlist and bobbed your head to it for a full ten minutes instead of working out. You bought a yoga mat, and just left it neglected in a corner. You went running wearing bargained sneakers from Colaba instead of investing in running shoes because you claimed “life is too short to spend money on shoes that are not heels”. You also bought a FitBit but refused to walk any distance further than the one from your bed to the refrigerator.

Most of your time at home is you pretending to play statue with yourself in bed and refusing to move an inch. When your alarm rings to remind you to dedicate half an hour to working out, you snooze it immediately. And, yet you complain about how you “mysteriously” keep gaining weight. Yesterday, you were convinced that those extra pounds are a direct result of your slowing metabolism, which you blamed on your age. Just a gentle reminder, you are not even 25, you are simply lazy.

Basically, all I’m trying to say is that all the reasons that have led to a delay in the delivery of your abs, are within your control, but instead of working on them, you’re too busy heating Domino’s Pizza for breakfast.

We had a shot at a long, healthy relationship. You consumed that too. This can never work out.

Yours sincerely “out of reach”,

A pack of abs

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