Make Your Body Great Again

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Make Your Body Great Again

O

h, America! I may not appreciate your foreign policy, your sports, or your NSA, but I can wholeheartedly declare my love for your food. I find most deep-dish pizzas, deep-fried mozzarella sticks, deep stacks of pancakes and all other variations of “deep” and “fried” that come out of American kitchens completely worth drooling over. My love for the excessive, and often downright hedonistic, style of good ol’ American cooking might not have done great things for my waistline, but I’ve never considered a diet in my life.

But as we all know, rich, calorie-packed food is not America’s only export to the world.

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Over the past 18 months, the biggest news story to come out of America has been the 2016 presidential election. Like any election in any country, it’s been full of mudslinging politicians and presidential hopefuls taking jabs and trying to tear the other down. But because of the presence of a certain rabble-rousing, orange-faced, toupee-wearing reality show host in the race, this campaign has been inordinately toxic.

Normally, I wouldn’t care about some foreign election. But when the race is on for the position of Leader of the Free World, can you blame me for being stressed? Especially when the result has been so hideous? And you know what stress entails? Stress eating. Prior to the results when the debates were still on, I’d been pigging out on tubs of popcorn, watching Donald Trump push the limits of public decency and still remain a viable candidate, like some kind of trashy TV show.

So, I’ve finally caved. Goodbye onion rings and hamburgers, I’m going on a diet. Congratulations America, your presidential candidates accomplished something your famously fatty foods couldn’t. It’s a detox brought about by the utter crap dished out by your politicians.

The whole purpose of this exercise is to flood the body with nutrient-rich foods that flush out the garbage we’ve ingested prior to this diet. So let’s sit down with a freshly brewed pot of green tea and get started.

I recommend oats, a nice wholesome grain that will make your bones stronger when you want to go climbing. You know, over 30-foot-high border walls, for example.

First thing I’m including in my diet is more carrots. It’s a convenient, easy snack for when you’re feeling peckish, and has a high concentration of Vitamin A, iron, and antioxidant agents. And if your grandmother cared about you even a little, you’ll surely have heard that it’s great for your eyesight. This boost to your vision can be quite useful while checking what email server you’re using to send sensitive government information. I guess they don’t serve that at lunches in the West Wing.

The next item to include is cabbage. Usually, I’d recommend it on the side with a sizzler, but since Trump Steaks went under, you can’t seem to find a good slice of meat to pair it with. Now, I say toss it in a wok with some garlic and ginger, and eat it as is. Get your fix of Vitamin K, and it’s also great roughage for when you need to go perch on your porcelain throne. I have a nagging feeling Trump already eats a lot of it, though I haven’t figured out how he’s making the shit spew from his mouth and not his ass.

Beets are another valuable addition. They’re not just meant to be pickled and tossed into a delicious shawarma. The presence of B vitamin folate makes them great for expecting mothers as it reduces the risk of having a child with birth defects. This makes it invaluable to a woman who has been “grabbed by the pussy” and now can’t get an abortion thanks to the pro-life lobby.

Of course, I care about my readers. I wouldn’t subject them to this regimen of veggies and roots at breakfast, the most important meal of the day. I recommend oats, a nice wholesome grain that will make your bones stronger when you want to go climbing. You know, over 30-foot-high border walls, for example. Oats also do wonders for your stamina, which allows you to continue yammering on beyond your appointed time in debates. They will also help you avoid collapsing in public, saving you the embarrassment of your opponents calling your stamina into question.

We could also start including avocadoes, lemongrass, broccoli, and kale in our diet, but I’d recommend starting slow. Let’s go a step at a time to salvage our bodies from the abuse we’ve subjected them to. You don’t want to go into health shock (which is not a real condition, but what I use to describe an acute craving for barbecued spare ribs). Good luck on your journey!

Actually, forget all the advice I just gave you as a nutritionist. I have a hack. Consider me your herbalist. Go find something green and leafy, roll it in rice paper, bake it in a brownie or brew it in a tea. You’re going to need it.

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