EXCLUSIVE! Interview with Jedi Master Yoda

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EXCLUSIVE! Interview with Jedi Master Yoda

Illustration: Namaah

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n the occasion of May the 4th, lifelong fanboys Weedward and Bongstein, took a break from their hectic lives as the world’s leading investigative journalists, and jumped at the opportunity to have a tête-à-tête with none other than Jedi Master Yoda, who just happened to stop by their office to take a leak. Here are some exclusive excerpts from the interview.

WB: Welcome master Yoda, it’s a pleasure to have you with us today.

Yoda: All mine, the pleasure is.

WB: So… that last Star Wars movie… that was quite a trainwreck. How come you weren’t in it?

Yoda: Left out, I was. Speak to my agent you must, about any such questions.

WB: For those not familiar with the films, your character was played by Deep Roy, an Indian man. Is there any other India connect apart from that we should know about?

Yoda: Consult on Mil Gaya Koi, I did.

WB: What? Wait? You’re not serious.

Yoda: Dead serious I am. Finest moment it was not. Learnt, my lesson was.

WB: Would you care to elaborate?

Yoda: Arise, creative differences did. More dialogue Jadoo had. Understand my words, Rakesh could not. Stoned I was, he did think.

WB: No way! Were you really high?

Yoda: Yes. Multiple bongs did I tap. Necessary it was, while being made that movie. Cried, died I a little, during “Om Om Om” song.

WB: That’s not what we meant but, ok. So would you say you rely heavily on weed to get you through the day?

Yoda: The secret to my energy, weed is.

WB: You’re saying the only reason you’ve lived so long and can pull off Jedi mind tricks is because you’re stoned all the time?

Yoda: Shizzle for, nizzle of mine. The secret that is, of the force. Enough weed you smoke, and eventually a Jedi you become. Backflips easy will become.

WB: Talking about burning, what do you think of this whole global warming thing?

Yoda: Certainly heard about it, I have. Started the fire you have, invited it was not, but try to fight it you must.

WB: Wait did you just quote Billy Joel?

Yoda: Did I.

WB: Did you?

Yoda: Did I.

WB: Wait did you quote Billy Joel or didn’t you?

Yoda: Did I. (smiles)

WB: Oh. Okay moving on. Donald Trump continues to crack down on illegal aliens in the USA. What do you think about the term “alien”?

Yoda: Worst words, Trump has. Hands too, small are. Not with him, force is. Melania hot, finds me. Anyway, alien I am not, living in the USA since the 80’s I have been…

WB: Are there any particular policies you are against?

Yodi: His pro-gun stance, I hate. Only lightsabers, I advocate. All adopt the Jedi philosophy we must.

WB: Being a master of Jedi philosophy, what do you think about existing philosophers?

Yoda: Referring to whom you are?

WB: Like Indian gurus, the new-age ones. Those kinds of people.

Yoda: The philosophy of Ramdev Baba, studied I have. Smokes, he does too. Cow dung, I am sure.

WB: So master Yoda…

Yoda: Interrupt you, I must. The time for spliff it is. Take your leave now, I must.

WB: Thank you for your time, master. Great having you! Come visit us soon.

Yoda: A lot of thanks, use your washroom, for allowing me. From a pizza I ate earlier, specs of oregano that green dust in your washroom is. May the fourth be with you.

 

This is an updated version of an article published earlier.

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