Exclusive: Interview With the Real Legion

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Exclusive: Interview With the Real Legion

Illustration: Shivali Devalkar

W

eedward & Bongstein were shocked last week when they discovered that Twitter accounts of politicians were being hacked. As the country’s foremost investigative journalists, protecting their confidential emails is their top priority. So they decided to confront the so-called hacking group Legion, before things got out of hand.

They caught up with one member listening to Electronic Dance Music and rolling a spliff at 10 am while his mother was preparing him some lunch. He seemed to have no clue what he was doing.

W&B: Hey Legion. How are you?
Legion: I am not Legion. WE are Legion.

W&B: Oh. Is someone else here?
Legion: No. Legion is me and my friend Sarvesh. He lives in the next building. I’d call him over, but he has tuition at 11:30.

W&B: Right. So Legion, you’ve hacked into the emails and insulted the politicians. What’s next on the agenda?
Legion: Agendas are for squares. Are you guys squares? We’re not. We’re really cool… #420 #blazeitup #fucknowimsleepy

W&B: You don’t need to say the “hashtag” in conversation… Anyway, what are you going to do with the information you’ve gathered?
Legion: What information, brah… tbh I haven’t even checked out all those TBs of info, ya know. Been smoking them OG blunts, can’t remember where I put my shit. You guys know how it goes.

W&B: No, we are responsible investigative journalists. So we hear a big NDTV dump is coming up soon. Tell us about that.

Legion: Hahah you said dump.

W&B: That’s not very mature…

Legion: Yes we’re about to drop a load on NDTV. Like we told the Washington Post, the data decides our next targets.

W&B: Scary stuff.

Legion: Yeah man, the mainstream media, like needs to chill out with its left-wing agenda man. You know there’s a right-wing as well. Plus there are other wings too, man. Open your eyes, man.

W&B: You mean like alt-right and alt-left? Those wings?
Legion: Naah bruh, like those wings you get off a chicken man. This one time I was blazing some blueberry kush and I ate like 24 wings. Can you even imagine the dump that came after that?

W&B: Stop it with the toilet humour already. We’re being serious.

Legion: By dump here I mean the Vijay Mallya information dump. That dump really took a lot out of us.

W&B: Let’s move on, we’ve heard you’re affiliated to other hacktivists around the world. Is that true?
Legion: It might be. We don’t claim affiliation to any particular network. We’re bros with everyone.

W&B: Who are you “bros” with?
Legion: Those guys with black hats who live underground. And those white-masked dudes. Plus the other bros whose name has numbers in it.

W&B: We don’t follow.

Legion: We’re talking about ac1dbi1ches. Our homies from the other side of the interwebz. They’re chill too.

W&B: We officially have no idea what you are talking about. How old are you exactly?
Legion: Age is just another binary number that the world enforces on us in order to subjugate us and make us more servile… I forgot what I was going to say next. This is some good shit man.

W&B: Your age. How old are you?
Legion: I’m 19, but a quiz I took when I hacked a Buzzfeed server said my real age was about 29.

W&B: Excellent stuff. And you’re sure you know what you’re doing?
Legion: Have some faith man. Wait until you see all the emails we gonna be letting loose on those fools.

W&B: Aren’t you worried about a backlash?
Legion: “N-word” I’m gonna go to Russia and party it up. I heard they got more drugs than people there. And those raves, oh damn, it’s gonna get lit.

W&B: Maybe we should visit some day. It’s been great talking to you, we wish you well with your future dumps.

Legion: Thanks. #smoking #rolling #herb #420 #DamnImStoned #ImmaSmokeSomeShit #ThenImmaHackSomeShit

W&B: Yeah, we get it… you’re cool… bye.

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