LEAKED! Arnab Goswami’s Letter to Indian Journalists!

DisArré

LEAKED! Arnab Goswami’s Letter to Indian Journalists!

Illustration: Saachi Mehta/ Arré

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fter his rant about ISI agents masquerading as journalists, Arnab Goswami, newsman extraordinaire and right-wing sock puppet, sent out a letter to prominent scribes he deemed worthy of the title “journalist”. One of these was addressed to Arré’s investigative duo, Weedward and Bongstein. The contents of the letter attempt to delineate the tenets of Arnab’s School of Journalism. Even though this is a personal note, we’ve decided to make it public in the larger interest of our readers, all 20 of them {with a few thoughts of our own in parenthesis}.

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Dear Weedward and Bongstein,

I’m fighting the urge to write this entirely in UPPERCASE, but our very existence as upholders of the truth in this country I call my home, is threatened. For this, it is imperative that we gag all forms of free speech and thought {what about the new 10% extra speech?}. I’m writing this letter to all investigative journalists of a certain calibre {why, thank you!}, because it is of utmost importance that we do not follow up on any story related to the systematic shutdown of anti-national thought in our country {wait, what?}.

To preserve our journalistic integrity, we need to follow a simple code of ethics based on the very principles of journalism I hold sacred {is gau mata more or less sacred than the principles?}. Just like that piece of leftist propaganda Fight Club, I have condensed these into three simple rules.

RULE NUMBER 1: Decibel levels be damned. Say it loud, say it proud, you’ve sold out.

The key to a successful interview is being heard above the constant din of the interviewees. When in doubt, shout.

RULE NUMBER 2: He who fact-checks can fack off.

What are facts, but mere guidelines? In the quest for the truth, turn navigation off and make your own path. You may find the truth, you may not. At the end of the day, it’s the journey that counts {wtf?}.

RULE NUMBER 3: If you don’t know who did it, it was probably Pakistan.

If you don’t understand this rule, you’re probably Pakistani yourself.

RULE NUMBER 4: Batman, Homer Simpson, and Barkha Dut are all ISI agents {wait, weren’t there supposed to be just three rules?}.

How else can you explain their popularity?

If there’s one thing we must remember during these turbulent times, it’s that we refrain from questioning anything we don’t agree with. Instead we must shout down this new crop of pseudo-secularists by calling them mujahideen. I have been accused of being a right-wing puppet repeatedly, but let me be clear, there’s no other way for journalism to survive. If the nation wants to know, you tell the nation what you want it to know. Forget free thought, free speech and free Wi-Fi. The only way we can be well and truly free is by allowing ourselves to become instruments of that change {the only change you’re capable of bringing about, Arnab, is for a hundred}.

So I implore you, my brothers and sisters, join me as we usher in a new era, as I, the most electrifying man in broadcast journalism {wait, isn’t that Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson’s line, chor?} lead this regime.

I could go on for a while {we know}, but I’m not used to typing this much. If you guys would just answer my phone calls {no chance} I could yell it at you personally {eat shit}. I tried messaging you guys on Facebook a few weeks ago {thought you were a pornbot, put you in the Others folder} but you guys haven’t responded, which is actually the way I like it.

Yours Loudly,

Arnab

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