World Exclusive: First Conversation Between Modi and Trump!

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World Exclusive: First Conversation Between Modi and Trump!

Illustration: Juergen Dsouza

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merican President Donald J Trump and India’s beloved Prime Minister Shri Narendra Modiji had their first official telephone conversation today. In true investigative journalistic fashion – and taking a cue from their namesakes Woodward and Bernstein – W&B tapped the phones at the White House and were privy to some sensitive information meant only for heads of state.

Here is a transcript of the entire conversation.

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NaMo: Namaskar Shri Dunalji, congratulations on becoming the Supreme Leader of the USA!

Trump: Hello Mr Prime Minister Moody or should I say mittromney?

NaMo: Dunalji, it’s mitron not Mitt Romney. It means friend.

Trump: Well, now it does. Earlier it was what I called people I didn’t like.

NaMo: I know what you mean. I call such people Khujliwal. Tell me Dunalji, how was your inauguration ceremony? It’s a shame more people didn’t come to watch you usurp power.

Trump: Well the turnout wasn’t yuge. But it was the best turnout a president could have. A lot of people came, but unfortunately the Clinton News Network chose to show the world otherwise.

NaMo: Hahahaha. In India, my followers would have ensured a satisfactory turnout come rain or shine. Tell me, do you know what a bhakt is?

Trump: Sounds interesting. Please tell me more. Just one second.
(Yelling in the background)

Trump: Ivanka for crying out loud, you’re overdressed again. Darling, please tell me you’re not going out that way. Sorry Mr Moody, kids these days.

NaMo: Please, call me Narendra. My one friend – his name is Amit, he’s my best mitron – calls me Shri Aadarniya Narendraji Damodarji Modiji.

Trump: I’ll stick with Naar-end-raa, until such a time that our relationship doesn’t sour.

NaMo: It might if you don’t stop supporting Pakistan.

Trump: Don’t worry. I hate Arabs just as much as you do. They’re just like Mexicans, except Mexicans are skilled at building and Arabs are experts at demolition.

NaMo: You sound stressed about this. I have another mitron named Ramu. You should try his Patanjali Thanda Kesh Tel. It’ll give your hair a glossy shine and calm you down. Waah!

Trump: Did you just say wall? I was meaning to talk to you about it. I hear your people have experience in building walls and temples where they shouldn’t be.

NaMo: Let’s talk about creating a specialised visa category for skilled builders.

Trump: Please do. I’m looking for a firm to build it.

NaMo: Oh I’ll put you in touch with my mitrons in Gujarat.

Trump: Sure. But can they make the wall great. Can they help divide people?

NaMo: You should see what the work they’ve done here, you’d be impressed.

Trump: Listen Naar-end-raa, I’d love to chat but I have a country to run to the ground. We’ll talk soon.

NaMo: All the best Dunalji, it’s hard work, but if anyone can do it you can.

Trump: Thank you Naar-end-raa. Good luck to you too.

After this conversation ended, Donald Trump called up an unknown number and proceeded to have a lengthy conversation with someone who seemed to be an animal rights activist. They spoke at length about grabbing stray cats and kissing female dogs. That’s when W&B decided they’d had enough.

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