BREAKING! The Presidential Debate That Wasn’t Televised

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BREAKING! The Presidential Debate That Wasn’t Televised

Illustration: Juergen Dsouza/ Arré

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fter investigating a red carpet vandalism case involving Priyanka Chopra, Weedward & Bongstein who are currently on a workation in the USA, decided to catch the first presidential debate between Donald J Trump and Hillary Clinton. Being world-famous journalists on a first-name basis with many world leaders, the duo had the opportunity to grab a few post-debate drinks with the contenders and shoot the breeze. What started off as friendly banter, turned into a full-blown debate, moderated by none other than W&B themselves.

W&B: So Donald, you mentioned that your son was an expert at cyber. What do you mean? And how do you counter allegations about your supposed ignorance in these matters?

DJT: You know cyber, that stuff where you put stuff into stuff and take stuff out of stuff. Like those boxes in cages with lights on them.

W&B: Do you mean servers?

DJT: Servers. Yeah servers are a huge problem. First of all, I think there’s too many of them in the USA. They’re taking all our jobs and destroying our economy. We need to send all these servers back to the country they came from. Like this guy serving us. Look at him, his name’s J Ared. Sounds like he’s Arab. He probably came here on a scholarship to study…

Hillary: I need to cut you off here. His name’s Jared. He’s American, just brown-skinned. You need to slow your roll with all these divisive hate-filled politics. Plus, Jared here actually contributed to the Clinton Foundation.

DJT: Do you have a receipt? Do you have any proof?

Hillary: I have an email somewhere. But I can’t seem to find it.

W&B: Riveting stuff…

DJT: What is it with you and your email, anyway. I have the best e-mails. I know all the e-mails. I just outsource it to some camel riders in India.

W&B: Uhh, Don, you do know we’re Indian right? Anyway, our next question is to Hillary. Mrs Clinton, how do you respond to allegations that you are secretly a lizard person?

Hillary: Oh, well. You know, a lot of people are going to say a lot of things. But I don’t see anything wrong with that. Lizards are people too, you know. It’s 2016 for God’s sake. I don’t think we should discriminate on the basis of the colour of your scales. I said so on Conan.

DJT: Well that’s a joke. We all know you don’t have the stamina to look at Conan’s bobbing hair for a full hour. Anyway, the people of America need to understand that the Clinton administration was a colossal failure. I mean, you guys were responsible for a lot of inappropriate activities, unbecoming of the first family of the United States.

Hillary: Oh. Come on. Don’t drag Monica into this. It’s a well-known fact, that she tripped and stumbled onto a part of Bill’s body that just happened to be erect at that time. It was an accident.

DJT: Just like that guy Ben right?

W&B: Ben? Ben who?

DJT: Ben Ghazi, that Arab guy everyone talks about. No one’s heard from him since. He disappeared just like the other whistle-blowers.

W&B: Oh God. We think you’ve had a vodka too many.

DJT: Oh this… This isn’t just vodka. This is the new super premium Trump vodka. Made from the best American potatoes in America, by Americans, for Americans. It’s now available in a super extra-large crystal bottle. And it comes with a free gun.

W&B: Are you plugging your own product? Have you no shame?

Hillary: I’ll tell you what he doesn’t have. A clue. This man, wants to be president of the United States, based on the fact that he wants to turn America into a country dominated by white people. Where big businesses are held unaccountable for their actions and the bottom line doesn’t exist. Wait, actually, that makes perfect sense.

DJT: I told you, Hillary. This is the biglys. And in the biglys, you need to ruffle a few Mexican feathers.

W&B: You guys aren’t making sense anymore. Can we please stop drinking?

Hillary: Oh no. We just got started. Plus, Bill’s on his way.

DJT: I think we should. Before we started drinking, I saw her eat a whole loaf of bread. She was obviously prepared. That’s cheating.

W&B: Ok it’s now time for Shot and Answer. We ask you guys a question each…

DJT: And we have to fire a shot and answer. Thank God I brought my Glock along.

Hillary: Someone take this man’s gun away.

At this point Weedward & Bongstein decided to end the interview since the Secret Service came in and confiscated the weapons of everyone at the bar, all 35 of them. W&B were tasered when they tried to reach for their credentials and later whisked away for questioning on account of being too brown to be drinking at a bar with white people. More on the story as it develops.

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