EXCLUSIVE! Behind the Scenes at the Minority Kiddie Con

DisArré

EXCLUSIVE! Behind the Scenes at the Minority Kiddie Con

Illustration: Sushant Ahire/Arré

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ntrepid journalists Weedward & Bongstein recently followed up on a hot tip that took them into what they thought was a gathering of paedophiles. However, as is the case with a lot of tips that the world’s foremost investigative journalists receive, this too turned out to be whole different ball game. When walking into a convention called Minority Kiddie Con or MKC 2018, held in New Delhi, W&B fully expected to bust a sex racket that went all the way to the top.

Instead, they attended a keynote speech titled “Strength In Numbers”. Like the average readership of Buzzfeed, they were shocked at what happened next.

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The speaker was Dr Anthony Gonsalves, Ph.D, M. Phil, who spoke about the decreasing numbers of Christians in India. He went on to state the need for an increase in numbers by 2030, lest they are forgotten. They needed to either have more kids or convert more people to the cause. It was only then that W&B realised that they had stumbled into a waking dream of the BJP imagination: A gathering of religious minorities, who were discussing how to overtake India by increasing the numbers of people following their faith.

Upon further investigation, they realised that each community at the convention had hired “Growth Experts” to come up with novel ways to bolster their ranks. W&B decided to interview a couple of these experts to know more about their strategies. The first expert was Dr Anthony Gonsalves himself. His plan to grow the minority population by 2030 was eye-opening.

The Sikh “Growth Expert” was presenting his own plan to a group of young men with Canada visa in their hands. His plan involved replacing all the texts of Shakespeare in schools with lyrics to Honey Singh raps.

“What to say, men?” Gonsalves told W&B. “We would wake up every day with the same question in our heads: How to increase our numbers.”

“It’s simple,” he continued. “First there’s a man, then he meets a madam, and then they have feelings for each other, and then they eat chorizo sausage…”

Alarmed by the man’s love for chorizo, Weedward & Bongstein continued walking until they encountered a food stall that was selling five different kinds of kebabs, and a Jain menu that included a boiled cauliflower dunked in water. There, the duo encountered a Muslim expert who radically suggested altering the recipe of biryani so that sex after consumption would not be such a gas fest. This, they believe, will add to their numbers drastically.

The Sikh “Growth Expert”, meanwhile was presenting his own plan to a group of young men with Canada visa in their hands. His plan involved replacing all the texts of Shakespeare in schools with lyrics to Honey Singh raps, so eventually enough people would see the light of Sikhism, and give up their respective religions. To rile up the crowd, he narrated a couple of Santa Banta jokes, and claimed having three children henceforth was the only way to both counter this insult, and assert themselves as a majority in the country.

The only person who seemed even remotely sane to the otherwise unbiased journalist duo, was an atheist who was sent to the corner of the room to reflect on his lack of faith. He was of the opinion that there are no majorities or minorities, and that understanding this was key to survival in this tense situation. But he was shouted down by the communities gathered at the proceedings for being a godless heathen who drinks alcohol on Mondays.

A couple of priests attempted to compel him with the power of Christ but he stuck his ground. W&B were on their way to conduct an interview with him when an argument broke out over what community would provide the new national dish. When Weedward went to sample these fine dishes all hell broke loose and the duo decided to gtfo before it was too late.

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