Damian D'souza

Damian D'souza

Damian loves playing videogames. If all the bounties he collected slaying zombies were tangible, he wouldn't need to write such bios. Seriously though, Damian used to be a cook who wrote, now he's just a writer who cooks.

  • Communitatti: Musings from a Community Loo

    Communal loos are a big part of the daily grind in Mumbai’s chawls. These little cubicles are places where people sneak in to grab a smoke, watch porn, or scribble deep thoughts on the wall.

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  • Finding Feni

    Feni is despised by urbane India with a hatred reserved for warm beer and cold tandoori rotis. But tell them it’s tequila and watch the shots flow. Perception is a bitch.

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  • The Two-Ingredient Chocolate Mousse

    How many ingredients does it take to conjure up a silky smooth chocolate mousse? Just two. Presenting our two-ingredient chocolate mousse made with just chocolate and water. Here's a way to sate your sweet tooth in 95 rupees.

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  • PorkChops Post-Shravan Pork Chops

    With Shravan finally over Damian gets Kaviraj Thadani of Kaavo Meat to rustle up some pork chops. Shravan toh sirf bahana hai, mote ko pork jo khaana hai.

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  • Gangster What You Always Wanted to Ask a Real-Life Bandookbaaz

    Moin is a gangster from Mumbai’s Sewri neighbourhood, who worked for Chota Shakeel. The sharpshooter told us about his first hit and how people peed their pants when faced with a gun.

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  • YachtBandra Yacht and the Death of the Dive Bar

    The Bandra drinking hole Yacht is now a resto-bar. Gentrification has reared its ugly head again, as with other dive bars like Jagdamba and Abhinandan, now truncated to JD's and AB's.

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  • Bribes From Chai-Paani to Scotch: The Evolution of the Bribe

    Bribery V 2.0 has come to town. Paying 100 bucks in cash is passé, babus now say, “Paytm karo.”

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  • Masturbation Apna Haath Jargon-naath

    Human beings have come up with a plethora of terms to describe the simple act of pleasuring yourself. We scuttle about inventing a series of shorthand signs that all sound distinctly violent.

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  • Gatari: The Mardi Gras of the Marathi Manoos

    Gatari, the last day before the holy month of Shravan begins, is a day of indulgence. Eat meat and drink until you pass out in the gutter. That’s the mantra in Mumbai’s Maharashtrian pockets.

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  • PhantomCigarettes The Phantoms of Our Sweet Past

    Every time my dad sent me to fetch cigarettes, I would buy Phantom cigarette candy from the paan tapri below my house. I felt like a big boy as I tapped out one and took a fake puff.

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  • Life After Debt

    If someone owes you a debt and they won't make good, who you gonna call? The debt collectors.

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  • The Biker Buntais of Ramzan

    Bikers, who take over the streets of Mumbai at midnight, are a nightmare for law-abiding motorists. But they say speed is an addiction, and the city needs to keep pace with them.

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  • Ramzan Fasting and Feasting: Suckers for Religious Gluttony

    The prize for fasting is the feast. Now there are feasts, and there is iftar, a meal so elaborate that it gives other religions #feastinggoals.

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  • Sex How Fat People Fuck

    The answer to the question you welterweight normies have always wanted to ask about the coital lives of us chubsters. We’re comfy AF, and we come with snacks.

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  • Iftar Humans of Iftar

    A Richard Attenborough-esque observation of the Humans of Iftar, who populate the table of every Serious Salim during Ramzan.

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  • Covfefe Flaming Covfefe Cocktail

    Wonder how to make a Covfefe? Here's the recipe for a drink that's as confusing as it is tasty.

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  • Beef A for Angus, B for Barzona: An Ode to Beef

    Sometimes I lie awake at night thinking about my fondest beefy memories. During my chef days, I’ve tasted some fine A5 Wagyu and USDA Prime Grade 1. Those days are sadly behind us.

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  • Menu What Lies Beneath a Restaurant Menu

    There’s a secret society of menu engineers, which influences your choice of food at a restaurant. It’s the reason you order the “fillet of locally caught red snapper with fairy dust and unicorn poop” instead of the usual fish and chips.

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  • WeNeedtoTalkaboutLambTesticles We Need to Talk about Lamb Testicles

    The idea of eating lamb testicles is enough to throw you into a moral and gastric conundrum. But not eating certain parts of animals leads to wastage of food on a scale you can’t imagine.

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  • TheBahubali2FoodQuiz The Bahubali Food Quiz

    Take this food quiz and find out which Bahubali 2 character will kill you.

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  • BananasthatImpregnateandOtherFoodMyths Bananas that Impregnate and Other Food Myths

    The mythology of food in India is storied and the best fables revolve around pregnancy. Twins, some believe, are the result of eating twin bananas – fruit that has the power to impregnate a man.

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  • Religion The Father, the Son, and the Holy Rave Party

    After attending prayer meetings where people go into epileptic tizzies, I’ve come to the conclusion that a religious gathering is nothing more than a rave party for the faithful.

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  • TheDefinitiveGuideToWorkingWithAHangover The Definitive Guide To Working With A Hangover

    Working when you’re hungover is like masturbating under anaesthesia. So, use the time to leisurely check mails, and when I say check, I don’t mean proactively reply to them.

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  • All That’s Wrong with Well-Done Meat

    Why do most of us believe the only way to eat meat is to cook it until really well done? Where any semblance of a juicy, moist interior is viewed as “kacchapan”?

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  • Kitchen Bitches and Why I Love Them

    It’s a man’s world inside a professional kitchen, and in order to make a mark, a woman has to learn to become immune to misogyny and remain unfazed by the penis jokes.

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  • Your Dharm is My Drug

    Religion is no longer opium, its user no longer a chillum-smoking hippie. Religion is meth for the masses and its user a crackhead.

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  • Whisky Uncles and How to Spot Them

    Just like there’s a Hallmark card for every occasion, there’s a specific type of whisky uncle you encounter in different situations.

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  • OneNightaViagraCallCentre One Night @ a Viagra Call Centre

    The little blue pill ushered in a sex revolution 19 years ago. Today, Mumbai millennials continue to reap its benefits – helping middle-aged Americans boost their sex lives, over the phone.

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  • Confessions of a Pulse Addict

    My addiction to Pulse candy started as a post-lunch fix. But before I knew it, I was rationalising it as my post-dinner, then post-smoke, post-work, and pre-work fix.

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  • The Sweet Taste of Sacrilege

    Afraid of disappointing my mother and Jesus, I’d observe Lent like any good li’l altar boy. At 14, however, I went full throttle into the “Fat Little Asshole” phase of my life.

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  • I Hate Craft Beer and I Cannot Lie

    All those artisanal beer-drinkers, who pretend to be lederhosen-wearing Germans: Most of you wouldn’t know a Berliner Weisse from an Eisebock if it came and kicked you in the ass.

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  • TheFoodofLoveandLustSexFoods The Food of Love and Lust

    Food and aphrodisiacs have a deep connection. It is not about the type of food, but about how you use it. Even a good old egg can work wonders.

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  • MarleyMeBobMarley Marley & Me

    Bob Marley made the shittiness of my adolescent years bearable. It wasn’t about the pot, or the baller merchandise. He taught me that peace has a place in our lives.

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  • Quiz: How Bobby Deol are You? (#4 is So True!)

    On a scale of one to Naiyyo Naiyyo, how Bobby Deol are you? Take our quiz to find out!

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  • TheLostSecretofGrandmasSorpotel The Lost Secret of Grandma’s Sorpotel

    After mai died, I did some digging to get to the bottom of her famous sorpotel recipe. The old lady had shared parts of it with her daughters, but it never tasted the same again.

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  • MagnificentCooksandWheretoFindThemFood Magnificent Cooks and Where to Find Them

    Brilliant cooks are never exalted in an article by Vir Sanghvi or featured on TV. They never get your praise; they don’t seek it. All they want to do is cook.

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  • ConfessionsofaCamgirl Confessions of a Camgirl

    Some want to pour their heart out, and some just want to play with cucumbers. A camgirl comes clean about virtual sex, with virtually no hassles.

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  • Why Smoke and Waste When You Can Grind and Taste?

    From Cannabutter to Chrontella, edibles have come a long way since good-old pot brownie.

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  • Until Deportation Do Us Apart

    A hint of scandal accompanies the romances between young Goan men and older expat women. But then aren’t all affairs, a little bit of love, a little bit of lies?

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  • Thanksgiving Go Cold Turkey This Thanksgiving

    Why stop at Thanksgiving? Wouldn’t it be riveting to watch a La Tomatina-Ganpati mash-up, drunk people dancing to Bollywood music and hurling tomatoes at one another?

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  • The Great Matka Slowdown

    It’s holiday time for Kakaal, a matka operator from Mumbai. What choice does he have? The demonetisation drive has forced him to shut shop, at least for now.

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  • HowtheMiddleClassGetsScammed-Scam-Arre How the Middle Class Gets Scammed

    Anthony Gonsalves came home from the Gulf and started a business. When that failed, he turned investor. That's when shit hit the roof.

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  • The Heroes of India’s Black Money Economy

    Angadias are the nucleus of India’s rural and urban cash economy. With the government’s demonetisation drive and the crackdown on black money though, their future is in danger.

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  • TheGoldSellersfromtheGutters The Gold Sellers from the Gutters

    In Mumbai’s Zaveri Bazaar there’s gold everywhere — even in the crevices of streets and drains. You just have to dig for it. Ask Sunny and his tribe of ghamelawallahs.

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  • CatchMeifYouCan Catch Me if You Can

    Tarik has five credit cards. He is small fry in a big ocean of scamsters drilling giant holes in the pockets of banks. And it’s all for Nike dunks, bling watches, and Wayfarers.

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  • The Electric Kool-Aid Nutmeg Test

    Internet forums are rife with references to the hallucinogenic muscle relaxant in nutmeg. Since it involved a psychedelic experience, I plunged right in.

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  • No, You May Not Touch My Testosterone

    Since growing a beard, I’ve alternated between mumbling “Sat Sri Akal” and “Salam Alaikum” in return to greetings. And I don’t mind it. What I mind is how women react to my beard.

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  • I Suffer From the Mocambo Malady and So Do You

    We consciously live in two separate Indias, where we keep separate utensils for our maids and drivers. How then do you justify all that outrage over Mocambo?

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  • Goats of War

    There’s more to Eid than biryani. In the dark alleys of Mumbai, goats are pitted against each other, before they go under the knife.

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  • The Poster Boys of Affluenza

    A dangerous disease spreads unchecked across continents. Symptoms: low tolerance and a false sense of entitlement. We all suffer from it.

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  • Seeking Solace in Szechuan

    We’re addicted to the “Chinis-Punjabi” food made on a cart, positioned above a gutter, thanks to a white, crystalline powder that tastes like rainbows.

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  • The Hero of the Heroin Addict

    A walk on the dark side with “gardullas” or drug addicts on the lowest rung, who chase a treacherous high – where life is marked by fearlessness and death is the only certainty.

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  • The Death Penalty

    The total cost of Uncle Eustace’s funeral including the burial, pre- and post-funeral meals, and bribes: ₹61,000. That’s more than the cost of an iPhone 6s, or really amazing coke.

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  • Grandma Must Die

    Every year, a brood of my relatives descends on our ancestral house in Mangalore to meet my great-grandaunt. The 102-year-old woman in the wheelchair is a wrinkled pot of gold.

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  • Breakfast of Champion Drinkers

    Have you ever had one of those mornings when you want nothing more than to curl up into foetal position until the world stops being bright and loud? These eggs should help you out.

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  • The Buti Call

    A multi-crore industry of suspect Ayurvedic performance-enhancers rides on the back of “sex problems” – and the aam aadmi’s inability to openly talk about it.

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  • BeefBaninMaharashtraStoryofaBeefDealerArreReads Inside the Secret World of a Beef Dealer

    With the ever-present danger of raids by cops and self-appointed gaurakshaks determined to stem the trade of beef at any cost, people like Quasim walk a fine line every day.

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  • One Decaf Cockroach Milk Latte, Please

    Ants taste sour, larvae taste faintly of garlic and chocolate covered grasshoppers taste of... chocolate! Welcome to the world where bugs are food.

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  • Monsoons Here Comes the VIP-Chaddi Brigade

    Dreaming of hitting the road, feeling the wind in your hair this monsoon? Go by all means, but remember that below Maharashtra’s waterfalls, lurks the subspecies Homo sapiens Sando.

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  • Until Deportation Do Us Apart

    A hint of scandal accompanies the romances between young Goan men and older expat women. But then aren’t all affairs, a little bit of love, a little bit of lies?

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  • Many Memories, One Paper Cup

    I miss the days when my big family, all 25 of us, travelled on a train to Goa for a winter break. But what I miss the most is the train-wallah tomato soup with a side of croutons.

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  • How The Middle-Class Makes Love

    Over 9.5 million humping and heaving bodies officially live in one-room homes with paper-thin walls, and sniggering aunties. This makes sex pretty awkward to say the least.

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  • Knock Knock, Your Parcel’s Here

    Whizzing around Mumbai’s gallis are the delivery boys – foot soldiers of a $16.4 billion e-commerce boom. Arré rides pillion with one, delivering everything from cupcakes to quinoa.

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  • monsoons Bhajiyas à la Grand-Mère

    The relentless rains flood me with memories of my childhood. Bhajiyas were a ritual and my grams was the master of ceremony. With bacon and blue cheese bhajiyas, I pay an ode to Mai

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  • The Seat Mafia of Mumbai Locals

    There’s no way in hell you can do anything about the Cosa Nostra of the train. Or can you? It takes nearly a lynching for Arré to find out.

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  • I Cut Dead People

    Not all autopsies happen like they do on TV. In India, chances are you will wind up at your local morgue in the hands of the indifferent Balu kaka.

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  • Sex on a Shoestring Budget

    While Mumbai hotel owners continue to behave like self-appointed custodians of “Indian culture”, Manori offers young couples a judgement-free zone to come make love.

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  • Let’s Talk about Eggs, Baby

    No crusty brown ring around my egg, please. You’re doing it wrong.

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  • Bacon and the Big C

    In a world where the Islamic State can blow you to bits, a drunk driver can crush you, and UV rays can pierce the ozone, we’re all living dangerously. Could a little bacon hurt?

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  • Chop Suey and the Curious Case of Masood Azhar

    In the first of our explosive DisArré reports, we reveal the real reason why China blocked India's bid at the UN to blacklist Masood Azhar. Hint: Take this with a pinch of MSG.

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  • MH 420: Weed on Wheels

    He’s mean. He’s a purist. And he fixes you the cheapest stash in town out of a beat-up truck. Meet Shahjahan.

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  • Goan Gladiators

    It’s not the size of the bull in the fight, it’s the size of the fight. And in Goa, government might makes right.

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